How can I Encourage my Husband to Help Around the House?

Everyone who is encouraging leaving your spouse over a sink full of dirty dishes probably never had one. Instead they have a house full of brickabrack, mangy dogs and cats. Get your kids doing the chores and make it a game.

I am married to a pilot who is gone seven to 10 days at a time. He flies into one town and sits there until it is time to return. He might have a second trip in the middle. When he does come home, he acts as if he is still in a hotel. He wants me to do his laundry, but refuses to bring it to the laundry room. He complains if there is not food in the house that he wants. He creates dishes, leaves drinks around the house and never feels the need to clean up after himself. When I have asked him for help, it turns into an argument. He said if I would only make him a list, he would try to help.

This being said as I ask why he would not fold the pile of towels sitting on the ottoman in front of him. His response was, "I did not realize they needed to be folded." I promise you this: I got a twitch in my eye. He then proclaimed that he would, in fact, take the trash out the next morning, which takes five minutes. I offered to switch jobs with him at anytime and trade for the six hours of laundry I had just put in.

Needless to say, I am very frustrated. I do not feel that I should have to ask in writing in order to get help. The equivalent to me would be asking him to request sex on a calendar by providing me with his requested dates and times. He would no more go for that than a man on the moon. I have told him that if he wants to enter into a different type of relationship, where the house is divided, to let me know, but that it would be a whole different set of guidelines. A marriage is a partnership. Work is to be divided and it is suppose to be a give and take – not just take.

Before anyone asks, I work 40 hours a week. I do all of the running with my two kids and his youngest. I am the one who does all of the homework, doctor's appointments, school activities, etc. I do not stay home.

@hislord1: Actually, I work almost 30 more hours a week at a high stress job than my husband. I walk and feed the dog, dishes, laundry, bathrooms, kitchen, vacuum, trash, all of the cooking... Oh, and he doesn't drive because he doesn't know the area (has lived here over three years) and refuses to get a license. I work third shift and drive him during the day. I get about four hours of sleep a day, but he says I sleep all the time and doesn't understand why we only have sex once a week.

You made a big assumption about the new role of females in the household. All he does is play video games with his cousin unless I nag and beg him to do dishes. Then he does one load and leaves the rest for me. When I want to clean up for company, he doesn't seem to see any of the mess. It's very frustrating.

Regarding the idea men work - and earn - more, as justification for them doing less at home: does that also apply when its the woman who works and earns more?

For six years after our kids were born I stayed at home (odd bit of part time work). I cooked, cleaned up after, hoovered, mopped, washed and ironed the clothes etc etc (even used to iron his work clothes and make him packed lunch!), while looking after small kids. I saw this as my 'job' as he was out at work and keeping me financially.

Four years ago, he got injured and has been out of work since. I went back to full time work to keep us financially stable, working long hours and often involving evenings and weekends too (although I am able to my job from home some days - which is how I know his routine so well!).

Each day he gets up, takes our son (last one still at home) to school, spends about an hour tidying from breakfast, putting out the laundry (that I put in the machine to wash) and maybe running the hoover over the main traffic areas - not properly, just a quick sweep. He then sits and watches TV, maybe has a nap. He picks our son up at 3, then sits and watches TV. Around six I make dinner, nag son to do homework, get laundry in and put away. He stacks the dishwasher after dinner and carries on watching TV. On weekends I pay the bills, do the shopping, change all the bedding, do any maintenance tasks and then (usually) clean what is by now a very messy house (plus sometimes having work to do). He watches TV, as it is the weekend and 'no one' works on weekends!

I did all that when I was at home -- because I was at home -- but he seems to think I did it because I was a woman!!

For the last few months, I've refused to clean up the house, cook for him, etc. The house is filthy and he lives on cereal or orders takeaway -- with money I earned!

An article telling me he 'may not' notice the mess is hardly helpful. He'd have to be blind for starters, and even if he doesn't care about it, is it fair to make me and our son come home to a messy house every day, when he is the one with nothing else to do?

I've tried asking nicely, nagging, writing to do lists and shouting, but he just sits there and ignores me, or he spends one day being super busy and then back to normal!

"Take a moment to reflect on what he did that week to help you..."

Really? Help me? How about yard work, getting the oil changed, vacuuming, because he lives here, too.

My husband's daily routine: Roll out of bed around 8:00 a.m. Take a shower, fix himself a nice omelet breakfast, go to the gym for two hours, come home, take another shower and go to work for eight or nine hours. Come home to a nice meal, eat, throw his dishes in the sink, take another shower and lie in bed with his computer until 12 or 1 a.m.

My schedule: get up at 5:50 a.m. Shower, grab a quick bite to eat and start my day planning our children's lessons. (I homeschool them) By 7:00 a.m. I have clients showing up with their children. ( I have an in home daycare.) Start fixing breakfast about 8:00 a.m. Throw in a load of laundry, sweep floors, clean up breakfast mess, help my kids with their assignments while caring for my daycare kids. Start fixing lunch, get clothes out of washer, put in dryer, repeat with another load.

Some days it's load the kid up to take to the park, bank, or grocery store. Then it's naptime for the daycare kids. I grab a quick bite to eat and sit down to do my computer work for the daycare. Daycare kids wake up, I start making snacks and figure out what's for dinner. Fold and put away clothes from the dryer. Arts and crafts for the kids. Clean up time and sweep the floors again, start dinner all while trying to deal with the daycare kids and our children. Daycare kids finally leave after 11.5 long hours. Serve our children dinner, clean up their mess. Get them started on baths. Husband comes home, eats dinner, throws plate in sink, showers and goes and lies in bed. It's up to me to take out the trash and mow the lawn as well.

I'm still cleaning the house, daycare area, tucking our kids into bed, feeding the animals, etc. Then he wonders why I'm so tired in the evening and can't make it to the gym.

This is thing for me. I am a stay at home Mum and currently pregnant with our fourth child. My husband started his own business almost three years ago, therefore being the sole breadwinner. I have absolutely no issue with taking responsibility for all the housework and childcare since this is what we decided.

However, I do need help with things around the house, like lifting heavy things that need to be moved. I have asked my husband (very politely, not nagging) on numerous occasions to move a heavy television and also a gas heater into the shed so I can get the house organized for the new baby. It's still not done yet.

We also need a couple of pieces of furniture and will need things moved around for the same reason. It is like drawing blood from a rock to get these things done! I cannot be driving around town loading up heavy furniture and trying to assemble them on my own! I misplaced my phone, my sister gave me her old one and it needs a new sim card. I told him I would be happy to go get one as I know he is busy but he insists on going to get it so he gets the right plan for me Every day it is still not done!

Am I being unreasonable in expecting his help with these types of things? I am not asking him to clean toilets, cook meals, do laundry, vacuum, mop, wash dirty sheets, clean vomit, etc., etc, I can do all that, but can't a girl get some help with home maintenance and heavy lifting when she is pregnant? --Frustrated

O.K. I've had it! You know what? Men work on average such and such more hours than women per week at work and women work such and such more hours than men at home. Phooey! You know what? Since we are putting men and women in boxes here, add this into the formula: Women aren't built to physically take on the same physical load as men. We are the "weaker" sex. That is less stamina and more fatigue after having worked the same number of hours. How about those men who sit behind a desk those 10 extra hours each week? How about those who "work" by watching youtube during working hours? They come home and if they cook hot dogs for dinner they somehow leave every pan in the kitchen dirty, act as if this heroic feat just totally exhausted them and sit on their fat butts as if they are blind and can't see the mess in the kitchen and everywhere else in the house, which they are more than half responsible for making because they have no idea how to return something to its rightful spot after they use it! Ugh!

Have sex a little more often. I am now purposely ignoring housework if my wife and I have not had sex in the past few days. We have sex every couple of weeks. The day after we do I make sure to clean the house really well. Then she comes home and says "Wow! You cleaned! You never clean!" I feel like telling her' "No, kidding! We never have sex either!" But I think if I do that my plan may backfire. I hope she figures it out soon. I would like a clean house too.

This article is hilarious! Are you kidding me? What it's saying is that we should treat men with kid gloves, be gentle and speak clearly and specify precisely what needs to be done. After all, they've had a hard day. Women today are having more heart attacks than ever before. Why? Full-time careers, parenting, cleaning, laundry. I work 12 hour shift work, more hours than my husband.

I not only take care of chores and errands, but I also take care of upkeep and maintenance. I'm lucky if he can pick up for himself. Gentle? A kick in the head is more like it!

@amypollick Post 121: Considering men work longer than women on average, and also shoulder the finances more in addition to women's spending sprees at the expense of their husbands, it's quite fair for them to do *all* the household work.

One more thing: household chores aren't the only valuable work; house maintenance is something women have no clue about. Most women couldn't change a light bulb if someone sat there dictating to them, let alone be the handyman around the house.

@anon254557, Post 132: However, these are anecdotes. Here is conclusive evidence: "Total Work, Gender and Social norms" which demonstrates that men work 10 hours longer than women at their work place, and women work 10 hours longer at home. It also shows that men shoulder most of the financial bills at home as they earn higher than women in a vast majority of cases. If women want equal household chores, they must do equal house maintenance (repairing and fixing) and equal bills.

@anon273259, Post 139: I am even sicker of articles pretending as if the only valuable work done is the one done by women, i.e., household chores. While women are responsible for household chores, men are responsible for general maintenance of the home, a handyman if you will.

Before anyone here cites me anecdotes as "evidence" to counter my claims, I'll present you with concrete proof. The paper "Total work, Gender and Social norms" as published by The National Bureau of Economic Research shows that the time spent by both genders at work (both in the home and at the work place) is the same. Men spend longer on average at the work place, and women spend longer than average at home.

What irks me to no end is all the complaining women on here who don't seem to be unable to do work that involves the general maintenance of the home. This is typical female behavior, where a female will only stay with the male upon perceived utility, Briffault's law in play.

Me going their own way, lads, don't ever get married. Remember divorce rates are over 50 percent and 75 percent of them are engaged by women.

Sexist article. It's not that women need help; it's that the house needs work and that should be shared. Ladies, if your husbands/boyfriends aren't good enough or undervalue you, ditch them.

@anon329318, Post 156 who had the noon time sleeping boyfriend who threatened to break the arms of your baby.

You need an exit plan and you needed it a long time ago. Any person who devalues your efforts to provide better, do better, be better, have better, is truly not worth the energy you expend for tiny, sand like, portions of a good thing he does every now and then.

From his end, he has a good thing. He can sleep as long as he wants, he has a roof over his head, he has food and he doesn't have to work. He's probably getting his basic human needs met and doesn't desire better. For you, for the kids, have an exit plan and make it happen. The person five years older than you are right now, the you five years from now, will thank you very much.

Signed me -- who has a me now person who thanks the 23 year old me, very much, for dumping one very much like that.

Finally! A place with intelligent responses and sound advice for a problem like mine. Thank you! It’s nice to know I am not alone.

My issue is not laundry, sweeping the floor or cooking meals. My issue is my house needs major repair, and I can't afford a contractor, so I'm relying on my husband who... I've never in my life met a man who enjoys 'relaxing' as much as mine. I am not a nagging wife, in fact, I’m the opposite. I grew up in a house where my mother nagged my father into a drinking problem. She always complained and nothing was ever good enough. But I have kept silent for so many years, I have let things go to avoid confrontation, taking into consideration he's probably doing the best he can after working so hard all day in the 'hot sun.'

His business is self owned and seasonal and four months of the year, winter, his workload is cut in half. He works three out of seven days and this is his vacation time.

When I was working full-time, and taking second jobs for vacation money, extras, etc., it was always because he 'couldn't afford' these things, so I let it go and figured I was doing my share. I paid for his ski trips/vacations/all our vacations knowing he could not afford it. He snores so I bought him a new bed because the old one was “uncomfortable,” he said. I bought him a nice recliner because his back was bothering him, and a flat screen with headphones so he could hear the sound better and enjoy his shows.

I am now home most of the time and what I observe is a guy I have basically bankrolled into living a super cushy lifestyle. (I heard that collective “Ya think?”)

I started looking around our home and found endless places that needed repair -- not decorating – repair -- as in the wood is rotting and insects are getting in. Of course I dipped into my savings and bankrolled the first project. counting on his help and me watching those do it yourself shows. So I went to Home Depot and asked “How?” Soon I found myself repaneling, painting, caulking and using power tools. What's he doing? He's watching TV on that new bed 'relaxing.'

We had a huge fight because now I am becoming more vocal. There is no balance here. I got down on my knees and looked under, around and what I have his decay. It's unhealthy. I am paying for all of the tools (can't use his; they are for his equipment) and I actually paid him to work on our house because he hired his work crew a while back. When I told a friend about this, she went crazy and told me, “That's his house, too!” Suddenly, the writing was on the wall. Why should he change if I was funding it all and doing it?

I do not have meltdowns, but when he told me the stove pipe vent in the ceiling (no stove there, it was removed due to leaking and been this way 15 years) but you can feel heat from the hole that he put a brick and a piece of tarp over on the roof. He said it was not creating unnecessary hot air coming from the outside, but you can feel it.

I could go on and on, from the patio step being rotted and he put a cinderblock and a board under it... then it truly hit me. He doesn't invest himself in the maintenance of the house, just making sure people don't fall, or things don't rot away. He’s just not there.

I'm done. I'm so done I could snap. Now we are fighting because the Bank of Me is closed. I feel foolish, used and like I’m living in a dump and I've worked way too hard to be at this stage and place in my life.

When I flip out and yell, he shuts down but suddenly the next day, he's Johnny on the spot. What's up with that? Why?

Now it's crossing over into our personal relationship with each other. I find him unattractive and lazy, a total turn off and have no desire to desire him. Who wants to give give and give and then give intimately to someone who clearly loves Easy Street and doesn't want to get off that drive and step it up?

We are growing apart and I'm thinking this won't get better. He won't go to counseling. He just wants to be left alone to “relax.”

It’s really hard to respect a person like this and I really don't want to see so much history with this person end up so very harshly and negatively. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone.

@anon 329318: Your problem doesn’t seem to be that different from many posted here, and I don’t think you’re going to hear anything different from what “everyone” is telling you. I hope you’re just blowing off steam because, if you haven’t listened to anyone else’s advice, why would you listen to anyone responding to your post?

Having said that, if you can see a good person in someone whose sole ambition in life is to sit on his backside and collect disability, who threatens children so young they have no idea what he is saying, who has isolated you to the point that most of your friends have abandoned you because they can’t tolerate him... need I go on? You are living with a person whose self-esteem is so low that not only does he not want to help himself but he also wants to pull you down there with him, and by the way, it sounds like he’s doing a pretty good job of that.

Yes, the thing for you to do is to get the hell out of there for your own sanity, and you seem extremely reluctant to do that because you appear to think his survival depends on his having someone like you to belittle. But you are clearly forgetting or ignoring an important element here: your children. They are already being exposed to such negativity and hatred (yes, hatred!) that having to explain to them that there is no money for their higher education is going to be the least of your, and their, problems. If you stay, it will be a miracle if your children turn out to be normal.

Ask yourself this: what’s more important here -- my boyfriend’s hurt feelings or my children’s well-being? I suspect that you are not truly being honest with yourself and that the real reason for not leaving this caveman is that you are afraid of being alone. Alone! But you won’t be alone. Your real friends will return and be there for you, and there are resources out there that can help you, if you just get off your tail and look for them!

And this is how you do it: get up on your feet right now and walk toward the door, open it, step through. Close the door, leave all that negativity behind you, and focus on what you can do to make your life better. Start asking for help, and I guarantee you eventually you will find the right person to help you to help yourself. Good luck!

My issue is a little different from the others posted here. Neither my boyfriend nor I work (I honestly tried and a three hour work day turned into something I wasn't allowed to do because it was during the hours he sleeps, until 12 noon).

I wake up between 7 and 8 a.m. every morning, change both children into clothes and give them their breakfast while doing dishes and making lunch for my son.

In a few days, I go back to school to get the courses needed to get into a college course because I don't want to have to explain to my children when they're older why they can or can't go on a field trip due to lack of income on our part.

My boyfriend said he was all right with this, but when he needs to deal with the children and gets stressed out he says some unkind things to them (threatens to break the arm of our 10 month old).

When I go outside, I have to dress in work clothes, because if I wear anything else, my boyfriend suggests that I'm trying to be a whore and attract other guys. Honestly, I just like dressing up sometimes, but not with cleavage hanging out or anything; I dress respectfully.

I have tried reasoning with him in a mature manner but it gets nowhere, and only results in yelling matches. I do dishes, laundry and clean. Once in a blue moon, he may do a load of laundry or dishes, but then for the next week I get belittled for it if I ask for help with anything else.

I've tried leaving the chores but it ends in a negative way. My boyfriend will just wear the same dirty clothes for three months. The stack of dishes on the counter isn't too appealing to anyone who comes over. (Public Health nurse/ Home visitor) So I have to do these things or it comes back to me in a negative way.

The only time I go out of the house is either for groceries or children's doctor's appointments, and then he feels the need to yell at me saying how he never gets out, but I'm allowed out all the time and he should be able to go see his friends. I've told him he can go out at anytime, but he won't. He'll just sit on his bum and play video games.

I only have one friend left who comes to see me. The others won't due to the way he acts. It certainly brightens my day up when she comes too, because we talk about our life problems with each other because no one else seems to listen.

I see a good person in my boyfriend, I honestly do, but it certainly needs to show itself more. His life aspirations are to sit on disability for the rest of his life and play video games. I like video games too. In fact, I want a career in making them but I certainly don't put playing them above my kids. When the kids sleep, I get the time to play, but usually I am so exhausted I rarely get a half hour in before passing out.

I asked him if we could go to a counselor and maybe work some of our knots out and he agreed but never got on it. I eventually got fed up and told him I'd leave him unless he got counseling. It makes me upset to threaten our relationship to get the things I want. I feel selfish but I also feel backed into a corner that I can't get out of.

Everyone around me is telling me to leave him, but the small things around the house he does certainly helps. I'm afraid if I leave him, I'd be more upset and more stressed. I've said cruel, nasty things to him that I regret. I'm a nice person, but he brings out a nasty side of me I would have rather never seen.

No, post 130, it doesn't work that way. I make more than my husband, do 95 percent of the housework, and am solely responsible for our children probably 80 percent of the time. He sits and watches TV.

I find this article to be sexist. For example "Make sure your expectations aren't too high. Husbands often work a lot and can't really help around the house as much as their wives want them to". I work a lot. I'm exhausted. I don't know many couples in which only one has to work a lot. Housework should be split evenly. Often women just assume the role of housekeeper and any help from their partner is a supposed to be a good thing. It's a pattern that should be broken.

@amypollick - is there an article written for guys like me?

@anon284119: This article wasn't written for guys like you, who actually help with the house and the kids. It was written for the ones who never lift a finger to do anything.

I have a friend who says her husband rarely helps, but when he does, he screws it up. In actuality, he helps quite a bit, but never seems to come up to *her* standards, whatever they are. So she says he never helps.

When someone is hyper-critical, that's a problem that lies between their own ears, not in anyone else. However, the others in their lives are the ones who bear the brunt of the criticism. Sounds like it might be time to get some counseling. Your wife obviously has some resentment she needs to identify and work through.

I have read a lot of comments here and feel bad for many of the situations but do not think that I fall into the category created for men despite the treatment I receive from my wife.

I have a full time, out of the house job, while my wife is a stay at home mum so she is with the kids all day.

Most days I make the kids breakfast and prepare lunch before going to work. When I am home in time, I generally prepare the dinner, although it is not so often that I am home in time. I clean, wash dishes, do laundry, take out trash and clear counters (though I am regularly accused missing parts, which is true and I do not know why I miss them). My wife asserts I am doing this because I am insulting her and believe that she should do all of it. I do not understand the root of this, and any 'conversations' (arguments) about this topic of cleaning generally result in my wife stating that she is leaving with the kids and I am not welcome and if there were no kids she would not hesitate to leave me for good.

I am not a master cleaner, but I am not a slob. I do work in the house. I do a lot of work in the house, on top of my job as a teacher, but it is not enough. What the hell is a guy supposed to do?

Thank God I'm not alone. My husband is a rude, lazy, immature oaf and it's like having another child to look after. He expects sex constantly, even when we are arguing or I am unwell or exhausted from work and housework.

I really do hate my life and I have promised myself that I will save as much money from my part-time job as I can and leave him. My three boys are 14, 16 and 23, the eldest having left home. The younger two will also grow up and leave home. This will leave me alone to deal with my husband and I feel we have nothing left in common. I'm very scared of facing the world without a full time job and I have no family who can help me. I also have to care for and consider my 85 year old mother. There must be more to life than this.

@ anon273259: Right on! I don't know who wrote this article, but it is obviously someone who hasn't ventured outside his/her cave in the last few decades! All of you women out there who are so tired of fighting to get some "help" (why "help"? Doesn't your husband/live-in live there too and have access to the same amenities of the house that you do?), well, stop whining and do something about it! No more hot meals, no clean clothes, etc.

He is obviously not listening to your words, so show him some action. You can't change someone else's behavior, but you sure as heck can change your own. Does your house/apartment have a front door? Then show him to it, or walk through it yourself. No one said life is or should perfect or without struggle, but no one should have to put up with this kind of garbage on a daily or even weekly basis.

My part time job nets me about $700 a paycheck. My husband is the bread winner, but I still feel I must work to maintain my place in the workforce. You never know...

I do all the laundry, housework, shopping, dinners, budgeting, yard work, maintenance and improvements on the house. My husband will do what I ask (nag) him to do when I go on and on about it, but even then - it's halfway done. Beyond that, it's all about video games, golf and what he wants to do. Once in a while he'll take me on an overnighter, but he has a hard time understanding that I don't want to hang with the low lifes on his football team swigging beer in a parking lot. No thanks! That's his solution though.

I am tired of fighting and being the only one who notices that gates need to be repaired, or trim needs to painted, or the hose needs to be coiled back up.

"Make sure your expectations aren't too high..." Are you trying to say that men have an option, whereas women don't? This isn't 1950; men and women work, pull your own weight. I am so sick of reading articles like this where women have to work at getting grown men to pull their own weight. Grow up.

If a man cannot do his fair share (note I said 'fair share' and not 'help out'), then he deserves to be treated as the child he is emulating. But why on earth should the woman even have to nag?

Just as with my kids, if an inhabitant of this house doesn't clean up after himself, doesn't contribute equally in all ways, then they don't get the benefits either. You want clean clothes, do laundry. You want to eat, cook. You want clean sheets, change them. Etc, etc, etc. Pretty bleeping simple.

On the flip side of this is something less often discussed. I am sick to death of women expecting their men to do housework, actively parent, and still expect their men to shoulder the bulk of the financial burden because 'they are the man' and that's the way 'it's supposed to be'. While the woman goes recreational shopping regardless of whether or not they can afford it and basically just expects/demands that 'the man' just figure it out and take care of things. Or they have their own car, yet never consider being sure it gets serviced properly. Or they expect him to wash it and keep it full of gas.

It's wrong. If a woman wants a man to be honourable and do what is right then the woman also needs to be honourable and do what is right. If a woman wants a man to shoulder his share of the burdens of life, then she also must be willing to shoulder her share of the burdens. As adults we don't get to pick only the fun and easy bits then ignore the more difficult, or shove them off onto others, expecting them to not do the same.

I was fortunate to marry a man who doesn't define 'women's work' or 'men's work'. He does a lot of the house work. Maybe even more than I do. We keep our finances separate and split the bills. We've done it for years, regardless of who is making more than the other. If one cannot afford half of something we both want/need, we discuss how to handle it like adults. If one doesn't want to, or can't, shoulder more than half of the cost, then we do without. If one of us wants to buy something that isn't necessary for the household or job, then we understand that we alone will be responsible. We don't expect the other to bail us out when we cannot uphold our responsibility to the household.

It's called personal responsibility. It means taking responsibility for your own actions and the consequences of those actions. If you cannot do it then you do not deserve the respect of being an adult. You are also serving as a horrible example to any children that may be in your life.

Just some food for thought.

@Post 134: Live your life and leave this lazy, selfish moron behind. You don't mention any children, so this should be relatively easy. And by the way, the "needs" you mention (besides sex) are not needs at all, but rather "wants."

After all, does a man, or anyone for that matter, really need someone to to take care of the mundane tasks that he doesn't want to do, especially an unemployed man like your husband. If it is so important to a man that he have someone else wash the dishes he eats from, wash the clothes he wears, and clean the house he lives in, why doesn't he hire someone to do it for him?

I've never heard a wedding ceremony in which the bride promised to take responsibility for all of her husband's personal needs, have you?

Seeing how many well-meaning women put up with such immaturity is appalling. Anyone who says that the blame lies squarely with the wives commenting here: have you ever been used/abused and understand the mechanisms that go into place to brainwash someone? I think that is what a lot of husbands and boyfriends are doing, although perhaps subconsciously and subtly, to have someone there to always meet their needs. The problem comes when men and women are after different needs that the communication seems to break down.

I would venture to say that, based on what I have read online and what our male-dominated culture preaches at us from every angle, that women and men are totally looking for different aspects of relationships. Without oversimplifying an entire sex, the list could go something like, Women want:

security, a safe place to live, a nurturing environment that fosters a level of individual growth.

Men want: sex, a way to escape or stress-relieve (again, more sex, video games, TV, zoning out in front of the laptop), the less-interesting details of their lives taken care of

And who wouldn't? When you're married to a man who has the emotional maturity of a 13-year-old, and can't even see the virtue in helping his life partner do things around the house that everyone contributes to, it's no longer the woman's fault. We are tired of being nice. We are tired of being polite about it. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells around the man I "love" and who supposedly "loves me," when we can see the way his actions affect the way I feel. He says he just wants me to be "happy", and that I am selfish for picking out little things when he does pay the bills, deals with repairmen around the house, etc.

But here's the kicker, ladies. He has never had a job in our entire three years of dating, He lives off some fund his parents have set up for him, so when he throws the "you need to be thankful for all that I have done for you" argument, I want to laugh. I work my butt off in school, in my job, around the house and in the yard. Too hard to be told that I am selfish for merely speaking up for my needs, especially when I try to ask him in a nice way.

A big eye-opener happened to me last night. I pretty much spent two hours preparing and making a delicious Indian-style dinner for the husband, complete with all of his favorite things. He raved the entire dinner about how good it was, I could open a restaurant, etc. Those things he said are nice. However, it was getting late when we got done eating and I felt like I had done a ton of work to get dinner ready, including cleaning the kitchen beforehand and emptying the dishwasher so we could clean up afterward.

I asked him if he could "help me put the dishes in the dishwasher", which consisted of a pot, a few bowls and the plates we were just eating off of. I know that there is this golden rule in the kitchen that seems very fair: the "whoever does the cooking doesn't have to do the dishes" rule, which I was trying to get the point across by asking him to help me clean. Instead, he acted like he didn't hear me and went over to a plate of artichokes we still had left out and kept eating. I kept asking him to help me as it was getting later and I just started loading the dishwasher myself. When I was done, he looked at me, like he totally forgot the five times I politely asked him to please help me with the dishes. This is after I cook him his favorite meal.

Needless to say, sarcasm ensued. "Well, thanks for helping me with the dishes," I said.

And then he was dumbfounded. He keeps asking why I am so mad at him. Well, for a lot of reasons. This is one of them. When I told him that, he let out a long, exasperated sigh and started mumbling like a 5-year-old. The golden rule of the kitchen just seemed like it was too much for him. He ended up mumbling that he never asked me for dinner. Hello! People need to eat! And if I sit around and act like he is going to cook, that will never happen. Then he will go out and grab take out, and make me feel like an ungrateful, spoiled girl in the process. It's sad really.

I see a touch of abuse in a lot of the stories posted here. I can't even bring an issue up to my husband without him flipping out and basically starting a shouting match in my face. I never scream back anymore. I had a verbally abusive father and I refuse to play that game, but even after I explain to him that yelling at me doesn't solve our problems, he has the nerve to bring up unrelated and very personal things I have told him (father issues, etc.) and will use them against me!

If I am frustrated because the air conditioner is broken in the house and I cannot sleep, it's me and all my dumb problems, all my father problems that I am "projecting" onto him that are making the problem, not his aggressive response to anything I say that is less than perfectly positive to him. The whole, "ask nicer if you want it done" doesn't work if you're living with an abusive, 200-pound man child.

Ditto to a lot said here. It will sound childish, but I've "gotten back" at my husband. I engage in sexual encounters with men outside my marriage because forget him; he doesn't deserve sex for all the reasons you've stated above.

If he can't appreciate the work I do around here, plus working a "part-time" job that is 25-30 hours/week, helping with all school projects, etc., then this is the way it will be until the kids go to college and I can finally leave.

@anon253807: If you have read many of these comments, you would see that many of these women are doing just that and more, in some cases.

I myself was a student with a part-time job while my now ex-husband made good money as an electrician. In fact, when he was between nobs, he made more money than I did. Yet at my suggestion we split the bills evenly, and he still wanted me to contribute money to his hobbies, which contributed nothing to our life together, and he refused to do more than wash his own laundry. Next suggestion?

anon251203: A happy wife? Well, maybe not. Has she tried to find work where you are living now? Is distance lecturing a possibility? Is the current situation going to be a long-term one?

I can understand your feelings of frustration, but she must be feeling frustrated too, having gone from working at a university to living in a strange country and being a housewife. It sounds like more real communication is necessary between the two of you.

The domestic environment may be "essentially her job," but it may be one she never really wanted or one that she especially likes. You have said what your expectations are. What are hers, other than she expects you to bathe your son and prepare dinner?

Maybe the wife should pay half of all the bills and I'm sure the husband would do half the housework. Equality.

My wife and I love each other, but are continuously struggling to see eye to eye on domestic issues.

By way of background, I work full time in a high stress job as a company director, we have a full time cleaner/nanny during the week and my wife is not currently working. She used to work full time as a university lecturer, but gave that up to move to South Africa with me as I wasn't able to find work of suitable caliber in the UK to support the family and provide for my 10 month old son's future.

As often as not, I will finish work, get home to bathe my son, and then cook the evening meal while my wife puts him to sleep.

The tension seems to arise from her feeling that I don't do enough to support her at home and I get really annoyed by her negative responses to situations, e.g., if I have to work late she gets grumpy about me not bathing my son, or if I try to do a job in a way that she wouldn't do it.

I recognize that she gave up work to move to another country and has essentially become a housewife, but is it unreasonable for me to expect to come home to a happy wife, a home cooked meal and little or no chores, given that looking after the domestic environment is essentially her job and that she has the support of a full time maid/nanny?

Bribe him with sex. 20 points = sex

Give him one point each for one chore.

But don't make the points too scroogey. Otherwise he might run off with another woman.

No sex until the house is tidy and the dishes are done.

I'm a stay-at-home dad. This is NOT a "husband" issue. It's a lazy butt issue. It has nothing to do with male or female. And, on either side, it might help to treat the other person with respect instead of some idiot. Get off your high horse, work together, and get it done or just do everyone a favor and get divorced already.

You want your husband to help out around the house? Get a divorce. He'll be forced to cook, clean and do his own dirty laundry. He'll also be forced to watch the kids every weekend and give you a break from time to time. You might even get lucky and get a boyfriend who knows how to treat you. Just don't make the mistake of getting married again!

Just found this article after a big fight with my husband today over the way I talk to him. He says I treat him like a child and yell at him and that my 3 year old is starting to treat him the same. I feel so bad that I lose my temper and yell and carry on, and of course, I don’t want my child to think that is how adults resolve conflict, but sometimes my frustration with him gets the best of me.

He does “help out,” but of course no one calls what I do “helping out,” which is basically most of the household stuff. If I let things go, like many people suggest, he will pick up the slack and do them, but not without a price. He becomes agitated and short-tempered because he had to do laundry, because I was behind on it and he needs x, y and z cleaned. He will also help if I repeatedly ask for it, but that makes me feel like a nag, and also annoys him.

Long story short: to keep the peace I usually try to do it all and keep my mouth shut about it, but eventually I boil over and lose my temper, which is what happened today. Now he is so mad he isn’t even talking to me. I truly hate losing my temper and yelling and treating him like a child, but everything else I try seems to fail also.

Anyone have any advice? Maybe I should just get better at keeping my mouth shut about it, but what message would that send to my daughters -- maybe a better one then my yelling and carrying on is sending. Some days you feel like a bad wife and mom and really, if your husband would just put the children in the bath without you asking, it would remedy all of that.

@anon239836: I must take issue with you on this. If you read these posts carefully, many of these women are not sitting around all day eating bon-bons and expecting the world. They are doing *all* the housework, taking sole care of the children, while their significant others do absolutely nothing, and consider it an insult to be asked to help. In fact, is clear many of these women are in abusive relationships.

Your situation is exactly the reverse. It's obvious you are doing your part around the house and your wife isn't. This article isn't directed at men like you; it's for the other kind. And most women don't sit around and expect to be princesses. Some do, no question, and it looks like you married one who does. I don't, and I wasn't raised that way. I was brought up in a home where we were all expected to do our fair share of the work. I have washed my share of dishes, cleaned floors, scooped out the cat box and emptied garbage. I am blessed enough to be married to a man who also does a *lot* around the house.

I can understand and appreciate your anger and resentment, though, and I would advise you in all sincerity to get some counseling. And as Dear Abby would say, ask your wife to go with you, and if she won't, you go yourself. For your own sanity, I hope you go.

Look, it's like this: I pay for everything. I pay for her car, which she bought on finance without my approval. I do most of the cooking, I take her meals in bed about four times a week. I sort the bins out.

I do most of the washing up. I do all the heavy garden jobs. I look after the vehicles. I do all the home maintenance.

She will make herself a sandwich and leave a mess all over the worktops and leave the washing up. She will leave dirty pots, pans, dishes and cutlery lying around for weeks if I don't wash it all up and clear it away -- a job that I have to do nigh on every time before I start preparing a meal. Making a meal for me is: do all her washing up and clean the kitchen, prepare and cook meal, do all the washing up and clearing away after meal. Rinse, repeat. Then she comes in next morning and starts making a mess all over again.

She leaves dirty cups, dishes, clothes and shoes all around the house. In the bedroom at the moment there are five wine glasses and seven dirty mugs, two mugs in the bathroom and one in the downstairs loo. Often if I want a drink, I have to go hunting around the house for all the dirty pots, wash them, dry them, etc., then I can have a drink, and I'll get complaints if I don't make her one at the same time, take it to her, so she can drink it then leave the mug where she sits!

She gets up in the morning and doesn't have a wash until after 11 o'clock, she smells like a sewer and everywhere she sits stinks the same.

Her favorite phrase is “Can you just??”A particular favorite is asking me to go and do something somewhere I've only just come from. Having to run up and down stairs three or four times on her behalf is no problem in her mind, while she just sits there like a lump of lard issuing her orders.

I damn well am not going to start cleaning up the rest of her mess around the house: the shoes, books, magazines, papers and general detritus, hoovering, dusting and doing the washing and ironing as well!

You women want it all. You want to swan around like daddy's little princess, with a man in tow who pays for everything and does everything.

Sorry ladies. You wanted “equality,” and it's about time you realized what that actually means! Paying your way in life, learning that if you make a mess, your clean it up, learning if you break something, you mend it, learning that when you rack up a debt, you pay it off, learning that you can't just work as and when you want and that if you want equal pay, you have to work equal hours and equal years and put up with equal hassle from the boss.

I'm fed up of reading all the anti-male propaganda. Women, how to get your man to do this, that and the other: you need to grow up.

@anon237436: Well, yes, cultural norms are very difficult to get around. I'm sure that sometimes they must seem like traps from which you can never escape. Thanks for reminding us that what works in one place/situation may not work in another.

When you say your mother left the house two years ago, I wonder under what circumstances she left and how she is living now. Is it possible for you to live with her? Are there other relatives with whom you can live or who can live with you? Not knowing your country/culture or even not having lived it one's self makes it difficult to make appropriate suggestions.

Is there some kind of private or governmental offices that help women where you could seek assistance/counseling? I know that it is very easy for someone from the U.S. to say to someone in your situation that there are always options, but there must be others who feel as you do and have managed to come up with some kind of compromise or relief. Good luck to you!

Well, in my country it is not very decent and secure for an unmarried girl to go and live on her own, i.e., without a husband. I know it sounds so old fashioned! It's annoying.

Well fortunately, I did not say anything to my dad, but he started to clean up the house and also fix some broken things in the house. Thanks for your reply and somehow i feel that what you are saying is very true. Things won't change, but it doesn't seem I can do much about it.

Post 116: Why do you stay? Can you find a job where you work full-time and get your own apartment or maybe share an apartment with someone? Things won't change at your father's house, you know. It sounds like your mother did everything for him and that your brother wasn't raised to clean or cook. They'll learn to survive on their own (they'll have to!) if you're not there to do everything for them.

I am 25 but not married. My mother left the house like two years ago and since then I have been doing everything to keep the house going, even though my dad and my brother (he is 20) also live in the house.

I pay the bills, I clean it up, I cook for my dogs, I wash the clothes -- all this while working more than 45 hours per week. I am so fed up.

I tried to help my dad by doing this at first because he was really down when my mother left but now I don't know what to do.

What frustrates me even more is that just after I clean up, my brother or father would make the house dirty again the next day. Do you have any suggestions to help me?

Sorry, but if you're just a housewife, you need to do all of the housework. When my husband was unemployed, he did all of the housework. It's only fair that the person who isn't putting in 40-plus hours per week keep the home in order.

@anon230949: And some women are born to complain about such abuse and do nothing else about it. Read the posting by amypollick. She is absolutely right.

With your passiveness (yes, passiveness!) you are teaching your son that your husband's behavior is acceptable, and he'll probably grow up to be exactly the same. Is that what you want for your son? Sorry, but it's kind of hard to have sympathy for someone who didn't realize what her husband was like before she married him and had a child (or was it the reverse and you felt like you had to marry him?) and takes no action to change the situation. Because the situation won't change unless you and only you do something.

Would you all believe I deal with this sort of thing at *work*? Most of the men in my office, two especially, would rather roll over and *die* than lift a finger to clean up their messes. I'll do some things, but there are some things I refuse to do.

My response? "Look here. Your Mama doesn't live here! You want to be waited on hand and foot? Then go home and let your Mama do it! You ain't paralyzed and you ain't too good to get your rear in gear and get with it! You live in this house, too. You make messes, too. You dirty clothes and dishes, just like I do. So here's the deal, buster: either start helping me or fend for yourself. This means you cook for yourself, clean for yourself and do your own damn laundry! You can fend for yourself. If you go to work in underwear you've had on for three days, so be it. If people start pointing at you because you're wearing dirty clothes, good enough for you! You're a grown man and you can damn well help me around this house. And don't *even* give me the 'I work all day' crap. Tough. When you're here, you make enough of a mess for three more people. So get with it, turkey, or move to the spare room, or live in your truck. I don't care which you do, but you're going to help, or you're going to do for yourself. Period. End of communication."

And ladies, make good on it! Don't back down! Don't lift a finger to help. If he lays a hand on you, call the police and have him hauled off -- and press charges.

You are not doormats! You are human beings who deserve to be treated as more than "help with benefits"!

If you're scared of your partner, if you fear abuse, or suffer it already, then call the National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 800−799-7233. Do this for yourselves and your families, because, if you have boys, for the most part, they will treat their wives and girlfriends as they see you are treated.

Ive been married two years and as time goes on my husband thinks I should do it all. When he is asked to help out he literally goes mental, swears at me or goes with the "bleep's sake" comment. I always get the, "Do I not do enough for you by working," "Where are my thanks?" etc. I work two or three paid days a week too, two mornings voluntary work, study one evening a week and look after our two year old son.

I do not know how I can encourage him to help me out. He's really nasty in the mornings more than at other times. His dad is the same. He's never cooked or done anything. They have a housekeeper, and this is what he wants me to be like. Some men are just born to do nothing.

Post 126: Are you sure the only option is go to to his mother for help? I would sit down with some friends or relatives and brainstorm some other options. Besides, what if she turns you down?

Ask everyone you know, and I mean everyone, for ideas. Consider any government agencies that might be able to offer you assistance. And for God's sake, be more careful about you hook up with next time!

I'm 28 weeks pregnant by a man who thinks the fairies bleach the stains in the toilet. I work as well, and hate asking him for anything, as he is reluctant to lend me five dollars if I ask.

At 28 weeks pregnant, I've just been told that while he is happy to pay for the needs of his son, mine will need to be covered by benefits, or finding more work. There is no other option but to ask his stupid mother who instilled these virtues into him in the first place, to look after my child while I go back to study and get the education I need so I can raise my son by myself.

I hope my boyfriend starves to death. I certainly won't be cooking for the retard myself.

The best thing you can do is get a full time job and let him goof around the house all day.

Ha! How about the opposite? I do all the cleaning (floors, dusting, bathrooms, kitchen), all the dishes, the litterbox, trash cans, etc. I do all my own laundry and fold hers, I cook three nights a week. I do all outside work, too.

We both work full time, no kids (yet). She cooks four nights a week. We take turns doing the shopping. She does her own laundry. For breakfast and lunches, we take care of that on our own, even on weekends. If I didn't do all of that, the house would look like a bomb hit it.

I can barely stand to look at her computer at the dishes with mold on them, or her dirty clothes left all around the house - on couches, the floor, the bathroom floor. It's driving me crazy.

To the poster with the gifted child and the monosyllabic caveman of a husband: What's your response to "Make me lunch?" Since he deems it fit to respond to your request with, "Nope," have you ever considered doing the same? You say you're teaching your gifted child. What are you teaching him about relationships and marriage with your current situation? That's right, honey, she/he is learning by watching you and Mr. "make me lunch." Ask yourself if that's really what you want your child to learn. I know what my answer would be if I were you.

Blame their mothers. They grew up leaving their dishes around, having their laundry washed and folded and now you're there to do it. Momma's boys, I promise! I have these problems too. The mess gets so ahead of me I have anxiety attacks worrying if cps were to stop by I'd lose my kids.

My husband works a part time job (20 hours a week). When he gets home, the first words out of his mouth are "Make me lunch" and then goes to veg at the computer. The only thing he does around the house is laundry, and that's once every two weeks.

Here's what I do: First and foremost, I am a full time mother to a gifted (diagnosed by his psychiatrist) 3 year old, whom I teach preschool to at home and potty training, cook three meals a day, do all the dishes, sweep, mop, vacuum, rug doctor, take out the trash and recycling and I work part time from home. I'm lucky if I get three full hours of sleep a night.

On weekends when my husband isn't working, he spends the whole time on the computer. I have asked him to help around the house and he says, "Nope".

anon212203: Read the rest of the posts on this blog and I think you'll find there are a lot of women who are not like your wife. Sounds like you need to follow the advice that they have been given: Re-evaluate your situation, recognize that you are probably the only one who is going to change, and make the changes that you can make. And get out if you're that unhappy!

I work go to work every day and pay the bills, while my wife racks up running around having good times with the kids and her friends. I do all of our vehicle repairs to prevent shoddy workmanship and keep the price down. I do all of our house repairs. It is an old house and needs a lot of attention, but it also came with 120 acres for her to roam around on, like she wanted.

I have bought a tractor and built implements to give her the garden she wanted. And I still get crap for not washing enough laundry or doing enough dishes. Stuff her and all you like her.

Yes, I understand the feeling of being "stuck." But, you say you like feeling of being "settled down" with someone with whom you have no physical relationship (or any relationship at all, really) and who "sleeps and lives in another room." Is this really better than being alone? And nothing says you have to be alone if you are not with this, this, well, he isn't what I would consider a man, that's for sure!

Post 93: I stay with him because I just feel stuck and afraid of making big changes to my life.

I'm 45 years old and was single, living alone for years before I met my current partner. I work full time and I think I'm attractive but I lack confidence in relationships, and I'm scared I'd never meet anyone else.

I've been with him eight years so there must be some kind of love there? He does have a terrible temper and has shouted horrible things at me in arguments. We have a house together and I like being 'settled down' with someone. Sometimes he can be OK to be around. My dear mum died a few years ago. I was very close to her and I fear being totally alone.

@ Post no. 92: And you stay with your "partner" because...?

I totally know how you all feel! My partner does absolutely nothing around the house. I shop, cook, wash up, do laundry, take out trash, all of it. He lives and sleeps in a separate room from me and we never have sex or even go out anywhere together. He has children from a previous relationship, whom I always look after when they visit. I don't have any children, though I love them. I knew it wouldn't work with him. He spends his entire time on the internet, including eating meals in front of it.

Post 90: Your husband says "no, you can" when you ask him to pick up his clothes because he know you will, eventually! Ever consider going on strike? And what is with this curfew! Is he your parole officer or your partner in life?

It sounds to me like you are afraid of him. Otherwise, why would you feel you have to "obey" a curfew set by him? He gets to come home whenever he wants to but you don't? And what will happen if you don't "obey" him? Are you an adult woman married to an adult man, or are you a child married to someone who is trying to control you because he has such low self-esteem that he has to use you as a doormat to make himself feel better? Why did you agree to these conditions?

Again, is he your partner or your parole officer?

i know how all you guys feel. My husband does nothing around the house and when i ask him nicely to do something he will say yep and will never do it until i do it, and then he says he was going to do that, but you can do it now.

He throws all his clothes around on the floor but when i say can you pick them up please he will say, no you can. If i talk to his mother about it, she talks to him and explains to him that he needs to pick up his shirts of the floor and put it in the hamper so he says okay and does it for a couple of weeks and stops.

If i bring the topic up with him i get called a selfish women and a lazy you-know-what and his excuse is that he can't do things because he works six days a week.

I have a curfew to come home. if i am late he will send me a sms asking how far i am but he can come home whenever he likes. I don't know how much longer i can take this.

To the author of comment #88: "What do I do?" Well, you wouldn't have written to Wisegeek asking that question if you weren't already feeling that something is wrong in paradise.

Positives in this relationship? Negatives in this relationship? Are they equal? Does being the household servant (and probably the only child care provider, if you get that far) enough of a trade off you are getting from this relationship? If yes, go with it!

If not, well, people don't usually change that much after they're married, you know, so be prepared for more of the same.

I know how you all feel. My fiancee feels that he does not need to help around the house since he mows the lawn (it is a decent size, but he only does it once a fortnight.) so I am left with the dishes, mopping, vacuuming, washing and drying clothes, putting clothes away, cleaning the bathroom, toilet, etc., etc. And we don't even have kids yet! what do I do?

I hate my husband’s attitude. He can be so mean and hateful. I know we all can at times but he never has any remorse when he is mean. That’s the part that bothers me the most.

I call him my husband (common law), we’ve been together 11 years. But I gave everything up for him. So, now I am stuck. I have three kids, I work nights and weekends part-time, and he works full time rotating shift work four days on, and four off. He pays most the bills, and everything I make goes to what the kids need, gas and I buy all the groceries and do all the cooking. In the past 11 years, he’s made breakfast once. We have a dishwasher, but he never has run it. I cook, clean, take care of kids, and I have begun to see my kids treating me like my husband. My 15 year old has no respect for either of us, and my 9 year old has started acting the same way.

I broke my leg and couldn’t work and he said he was going to kick me out because I was a free loader. So, my mother started buying us groceries to help me out. It is just really messed up.

I am starting to feel really hopeless. We need stuff fixed in our house. Eight years ago we had a tornado that damaged our roof and we had water damage and our second floor ceiling needed to be fixed. He took the insurance money and never fixed it, and every time I go up the stairs, I see that damn hole.

He rarely mows the lawn and never fixes anything. Our bathroom sink broke, and he wouldn’t fix it, then it started smelling really bad so, I went on the internet and figure out how to dismantle it. That was four months ago, and he still hasn’t put a new one in. He doesn’t change in the oil the in car, never does yard lawn house maintenace. He blames it all on me and the kids, saying we’ve ruined his house but he never does anything on his day off, just sleeps on the couch or goes to camp.

He is a very hard worker at his job and is respected but at home, he is so lazy. He says because he is the man and he works and pays the majority of the bills he doesn’t have to. My 15 year old is so lazy, just like him. I dream of running away and starting over. I am only 33, but I could never leave my younger kids because they need me. It scares me that I am beginning not to care anymore.

@anon178631: This is a no-brainer. Ask yourself which is better: To be 43 and single and childless, or to be with someone with whom you are clearly unhappy and with whom you will probably have the sole responsibility for caring for and supporting any children that come along should you change your mind and stay with him?

Read your posting again: Do you realize that the only positive thing you said about your fiance is "he is good for one or two days"? Being alone is not easy, but it does give you more options, and you won't have to deal with the issues you have been dealing with up to now. And in the future, don't get involved with someone just because you're "43 and childless."

It sounds like having children is important to you, and there is nothing wrong with that. But you don't really want to bring up children in such a negative environment, do you?

I am about to split with my fiance, and so exhausted I can barely even be bothered typing. I am at a breaking point. I work 10-12 hours a day, five days a week, and sometimes more. I do everything else as well: pay for everything, do all the cleaning, washing etc. My spare time out of work involves me cleaning up mess around the house and I just can't keep on top of things.

He has not worked a full time job in three years and does absolutely nothing around the house, unless I prompt him or nag him at which point he is good for one or two days and then reverts back to type. We invariably argue because I get to the point of total exhaustion, and then he swears and yells in my face and twists things around saying that I don't respect him and he casts aspersions on my personality. We rarely have sex because according to him, I "upset him" when I have a go at him for doing nothing.

He got three working dogs (without even consulting me and on top of the two nice pets we already have) who bark constantly and are vicious if someone comes to the house. The neighbours have already complained and I am constantly stressed. They wake me up during the night. He barely exercises them and expected me to get up at 3.20 am the other morning to let one out of its crate to stop it barking when I had to get up at 6am to go to work. I was angry about it so he swore in my face ("bleep you") and pushed me violently in the bed. I told him to get out of the bed and now I am a bad person, according to him, for doing that. Now, because we are splitting up, he is blaming me because now he will need to let the dogs go and he loves them etc., etc.

I am sick of being treated with such a lack of respect and made to feel like I'm a bad person, when in fact, this relationship is so one sided. I don't know how a man can live with himself treating a woman this way and I'm totally over it. I just want him gone so I can get on with my life. I pay for absolutely everything, have made a huge number of sacrifices in my life (e.g., moving out of my home, buying a new house for us that will suit him better, etc.) and yet according to him, I show him no respect.

He turned 40 last week. I bought him 40 different presents and made a big deal about it, and also managed and catered for a party of all his friends on a Sunday night (when I had to get up to go to work again at 6 a.m. on Monday - again, no consultation with me). The house was a pigsty. I was up all weekend cleaning, cooking etc., and he did not lift a finger. In desperation, I had to get my best friend to come early and help me. There was dog fur all over the floor, stuff everywhere, and again I was at breaking point. I do not feel appreciated or loved. At all. I am 43 years old, and now face being single and childless. I feel I have wasted my life with him, and just feel flat and desperately unhappy.

Don't do his laundry or his cooking and never clean the bedroom or the house (you need a cleaner). If he won't help you enough, cook for you and the kids, be a good mother but not a good wife, and he can be the same, until you sort your deal out. Marriage is teamwork and if he can't see that, then find your own way out inside the marriage! Let him have everything his way, and you have everything your way! In the end your kids will love you, and that is worth it!

my husband doesn't help enough because he works nights and weekends and when he does have time, he sleeps and leaves me with the six week old and four year old.

I do feel bitter as I haven't had a weekend off, but I find my way out. I go on my own holidays to visit relatives away for long periods, I have a cleaner and I send my kids to good schools and I go to a nice health club which has a crèche facility plus kids soft play.

I refuse to do cleaning, and all the cooking is pretty much ready made stuff from marks and spencer. You don't have to be well off to do all that, just economical and find a way to escape in the same way he does. Leaving him alone in the house for three months at a time is norm while I do my own thing. if I didn't do that, then we would be already divorced. You need family around you to help, basically. He lives in his own world and I mine, but I love my kids and would never give them another dad. Even though he is not that good, he is the best we've got.

Anon 174750: You want an opinion? Well, maybe your husband does have ADD or some other problem, but I think he really doesn't want to be married, and not necessarily to you.

It sounds like his level of commitment to your relationship is approaching subzero, if it wasn't there to begin with. If you want a true partnership, do yourself and your daughter a favor and get out before things get too miserable.

My situation is a little different from the others here, but I would really like to find out what someone else thinks about it. This is my second marriage. I have a 10 year old daughter from the first marriage. My ex and I have a friendly relationship and share joint custody of our daughter.

I married a childhood friend three months ago. We had been together for five years, living together for four of those years.

He makes five times what I make, but he doesn't want to share money. I pay the mortgage, since the house was mine previously. He rents out his old place and keeps the rent in his own bank account. I buy the food and pay the phone bills. He pays the utilities. I also pay for my daughter's expenses. Still, I'm running out of money every month (and I'm a fairly frugal person). He clearly doesn't “get” the extent of the problem, so I made a spreadsheet to show him the financial imbalance. I asked him to open a joint account now that we're married, but it makes him uncomfortable.

He works ridiculous hours - mostly 8 to 8 - travels a lot for his job (so is gone one or two days a week). I feel like I never see him. I work from home in a sales job, so I can run errands and take care of things during the day while I'm out working, which is very convenient.

He does triathlons and other extreme sports, so he dedicates a lot of his free time to working out, long bike rides, shopping for or working on equipment for his activities. He schedules these races on his own, which in my opinion, ties up an entire spring, summer or fall weekend, without consulting me first, and he expects me to go.

He does something strange that I think comes from not having any concept of time. Even though he has taken the same trains to work for years now, he can't remember the times, often misses them, and asks me to drive him into the city. He also doesn't plan his work accordingly and very frequently misses his trains home. Usually my daughter and I are holding dinner for his arrival, but he is hours late.

Often this happens after he calls to say "I'll be on the 6:55" and then an hour later, texts to say "missed the 6:55, on the 7:55." I get frustrated because this kind of thing essentially keeps me hanging for hours, anticipating his return, and then it doesn't happen. I think about all the things I could have done or enjoyed if I knew for sure when he was coming home. It's like a subconscious way that he is trying to keep me in a holding pattern – or is that reading too much into it or giving him too much credit?

Then finally, the biggest thing lately is that he'll realize I'm disappointed with the amount of time we've spent together or the miscommunication about coming home, and he'll say, "let's do whatever you want to do today. What do you want to do? I'm all yours." And then, seriously, I will spell out something I'd like to do (for example: I'd like you to help me measure the windows in this room for shutters, then get ready and go out to see Shakespeare in the park at 4.) and then he says 'great' and goes off to change the brakes on his bicycle and he's gone for three hours. What?

It's as if the act of asking me what I want and acting sincere about my needs is more important than, or counts as, doing something with me.

I feel very strongly that he has ADD (no concept of time, leaves all the cabinet doors and drawers open, easily distracted, one thing happens that's not good and he sees everything as not good, etc.) and that it is a major contributing factor to our problems.

Or is he truly so much of a jerk that he just wants to do what he wants, when he wants, doesn't consider my time waiting for him, is like Mr. Sunshine, a friendly pleaser to everyone, and then drops the ball when it comes to following through with the Mr. Congeniality act?

ADD or narcissist? I don't want to nag, nag, nag to get what I need. He gets really distraught if I remind him of something I asked for that he didn't do, and I try to do it in the nicest way possible because he's so sensitive.

We've been married three months and it seems like it may have been a major mistake.

When he was a boy, his scout leader tried to have sex with him and sometimes I wonder if this makes him not want to share his things, give himself openly in relationships, etc. Also, his parents were alcoholics, which could sometimes account for his tendency toward 'magical thinking' and his no concept of time.

We've been in couples therapy for two years, and it's been hard for me because the therapist says we're both shutting each other out of our lives. I have a hard time believing that, since I try constantly to be available, but he keeps everything (tangible and intangible) to himself. Help!

My husband is a student, taking 13 hours this semester. He does not do his share around the house, and does not earn any money either. I understand that he has studying and homework for school, but he still needs to chip in.

I am a high school teacher, and have a side tutoring job. This keeps me very busy, and I have to deal with a high amount of stress on a daily basis. I am the one earning the money, but I am also the one doing the vast majority of the work around the house.

I cook dinner, do the dishes, do the laundry, clean the house, and cut the grass. My husband spends most of his spare time on the internet. I am very busy and very stressed, and I can't take all of responsibility myself.

To make matters worse, my husband has an issue with alcohol. He drinks by himself, sneaks beers and drinks enough to get drunk. He thinks it's a good way to reward himself for getting a good grade on a test, or to relax after his grueling day. He snores really bad after drinking, and it makes it hard for me to get a good night of sleep.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I have tried to be patient, but it seems like these issues will never go away. We don't have kids yet, and I don't think I want to have kids with someone who chooses these kinds of behavior.

I'm 26 years old and i have four kids ages 5 weeks, two years, three years and seven years old. i am a stay at home mom and my husband don't work due to a back injury. all he does it sit on the computer all day playing computer games, while i take care of all four kids. he doesn't clean or do laundry. i mean, he does nothing. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

And exactly why is it that you are sad? Because your husband clearly wants what he wants and doesn't seem to care about your wants, desires, goals, needs, etc., or because you feel you're letting down your husband because you're not doing everything he wants?

Where do all of you women find these so-called men, anyway? They all sound like they are straight out of the 1950's or before. Two choices here, lady: lie in the bed you've made or make a new bed. And try looking up the word "wife" in the dictionary. It doesn't say "servant," "slave," "doormat" or "scapegoat."

My husband wants me to do what is he doing. Frankly, he is a licensed engineer and a very good professional engineer, while I am just starting my first year college education at 24 years old as an AB music. I feel that he forced me to do a thing that is not within my expertise, however I really tried and the result is O.K.

Sometimes I feel too lazy to do it and he said that I am not helping him make money. It is mean and I am lazy a wife he told me. In fact, I do everything at home. I clean, wash clothes, cook all the meals. Sometimes, I feel lonely. Why is it like this? He doesn't mind wiping off his computer table. There's a lot of dust! I write this now because I am sad. I feel very sad. God forgive me for my husband that he is not contented about his wife.

So, the woman with the husband who works at home but does little or nothing to contribute physically to the running of the household. You feel unappreciated and unhappy because of those feelings. If you ask for help or decide to be uncooperative, he's probably going to become angry, which, again, will probably result in some unhappiness on your part.

If your husband is truly an adult, he should be willing to sit down and discuss this situation reasonably with you. If he is as focused on himself as you make him sound, this may not happen. So it will probably be up to you to do something if you truly want the situation to change.

I have to ask: surely you knew he was like this when you married him. Did you think he would change, or did you think you could tolerate him like this forever? People usually don't change unless they are provided with a good reason to do so. Is your unhappiness with the status quo going to be enough reason for him to change?

Is your husband a child? Treat him like one! Says he'll take the laundry out? plop it on the floor in front of his bed! won't do dishes? make a meal minus one! Leaves his coat and shoes lying around? Chuck 'em out the door. Wallet not where it should be? stuff it in the couch cushions. When he can't find his stuff, he'll pick it up! When he gets hungry, he'll cook!

You can't win on everything, but eventually you'll make him mad enough that he'll want an explanation! Won't clean the car? Leave something that stinks under the front seat! (they won't do anything about it till they see it as a problem!) Out-stubborn them. Let the kids stay up till dad puts em to bed, and let them watch kid movies on his xbox. He'll put them to bed so fast you won't believe your eyes! If you can't reason with them like they are adults, be creative! A woman was made to be cunning for a reason. Outsmart 'em. I mean after all, we already established that they're big kids, right?

anon165993: You know what to do, don't you? You are basically a domestic servant. You decide: Do you take that or leave it? Nothing will change unless you make the change. If you haven't already read it, read posting #71. I think she would agree.

I just need an honest opinion. First off, I am not the bread winner. My husband is, and I never take that for granted. I am a stay at home wife with three kids, and I do of the physical labor. I take care of the kids, I do all the dishes every single day, homework, yard work, laundry (including hanging everything up and putting it all away), cook, I clean a 4,000 sq. ft. house every single day, I do the grocery shopping, I take the trash out, I bring the cans back in, I always run to the store when he wants cigarettes or fast food, I do all the driving. I think you might get the point by now. My husband works from home and it's because of all his hard work that he did before we met, that it's so easy for him to make a significant amount of money just over the phone in less than two hours a day.

Is it wrong that my feelings are hurt that he doesn't offer to help me when it becomes very obvious that I need an extra hand? I struggle sometimes to keep up, especially with three little ones.

I yearn for him to speak up sometimes and say "hey, let me help you with that", or "want me to make dinner tonight?". He offers maybe once every two months to make dinner. He's bathed our three year old daughter maybe four times her entire life. For the most part, he's on the internet all day, researching things that capture his interest.

I'm starting to feel invisible and unappreciated. When I have asked for help, he almost seems insulted, like "how dare you? You can't handle it?". I have seriously considered leaving because of how unbalanced I feel like everything is. He's hot tempered but rarely does it flare up, but when it does, it's borderline abusive, and I use that term rarely.

I am becoming scared of what he is capable of in terms of destroying a person from the inside out. I've tried so hard to stay calm and deal with the insults but I feel like I'm about to reach a breaking point. Someone please shine some light on this situation. I don't know what to do anymore.

@164336: Good for you! Most women just whine and complain (and therefore accept!) about their situations, but you have taken some action. Unfortunately, you are absolutely right. We say that men "babysit" their own children and "help" wash the dishes or wash the clothes that they wear or clean the houses that they live in.

And where do men get this sense of entitlement? Partly from society, but I would say mostly from their parents and others relatives. Probably your husband never had to do any of these things when he was growing up, so he figures, why do them now? Anyway, good luck to you!

I find it interesting that the author says to reflect on how much your husband did last week to help you. It appears as though the author mistakenly thinks that all domestic chores belong to the female and the male is just a helper? Hmmm, I disagree.

Men sleep in beds, eat the food in the refrigerator, walk on the floors that need cleaned, use the bathroom that gets dirty, fill the garbage can, and co create the children, in addition to watching the grass grow. If there is a chore to be done, both parties are equally responsible for that chore, so the division of labor needs to be agreeable to both people.

Weigh it out: both parties work 40 hours a week or more. I am a nurse, and I usually end up working more. Now it's my week end off and my husband is home too, so according to this article, if he is outside on a nice day mowing grass and I am in the bathroom scrubbing the toilet while my toddler is throwing things in the bowl, he is helping me? Wrong.

I don't know about other husbands but my husband wants to be waited on. He wants the house cleaned, the refrigerator stocked, and dinner on the table when he gets home. Then he goes to the bedroom to watch tv or falls asleep on the sofa while I clean everything up. And he wants me to act happy about it all the time and jump to attend to his sexual needs as well.

I could go on, but suffice it to say my husband participates in nothing domestic and he gets very angry if I approach him about it.

Recently, I was thinking about what life will be like once our youngest is gone and I realized that my husband is always going to behave this way. My children are growing up and moving out but I am married to the eternal, demanding and entitled child.

I don't want to take care of him for the rest of my life. I work and earn a pay check too so I am moving out this week and he is really ticked. He said, "I knew you would do something like this!" Funny, he didn't care enough to change anything all this time.

I have had enough from my husband. He did not help out around the house. He would not fix anything around the house (still broken). He would complain and nag if I asked him to hang out the wash a couple of times a week (which would not get done most of the time). He would not cook, do dishes, or any other work (occasionally wipe dishes). He would say horrible things about me, to my face and to others. I could not trust him with my feelings, he would throw personal situations back in my face, and mock me. For one, when I told him I had been physically abused by a ex boyfriend, he said, I deserved it.

He would go on holiday without me and have family holidays with his mum.

During disagreements, he would tell me he would spend my wages on a prostitute and go to a "real lady".

He would take the car and both sets of keys so I had no vehicle. He would threaten me with money, so I would have none.

He would be angry at me because I wasn't keeping the house up to scratch, and calling me names for it. (I used to keep the house spotless, until I became sick and have had operations.) He would happily help his mother around her house, but not ours.

I kicked him out tonight, because he does not love me. He would offer help and kindness to others, just not me.

I am now going to go back to studies, and am looking to obtain work again, so I can support my children and look forward to a brighter future.

I was in this marriage for 11 years. I still have my faith, and I will live accordingly. I still have to do all the housework, unfortunately.

My husband is in the military and he has to be up and out of the house by 5:30 a.m. every morning and he doesn't get off until at least 5 p.m. (unless he decides to go to the gym).

The biggest problem is we have a 10 month old, i am in my last semester of college and we only have one car. the house is a mess and when i ask him to do something all i hear is how he has been up since 5:30 and how i get to come back home and "rest".

To him, going to class and watching our kid is not work to him. he tells me that i can easily clean the whole house if i sat my kid in the play pen for a couple of hours? he might be able to ignore our kid, but i can't ignore him for hours (a few minutes yes) but anyway, if i ask him to do the slightest thing, he does a crappy job on purpose then he goes to the computer, puts on his noise canceling headphones (so he can't hear me calling his name) and he watches movies on netflix. the only time he will clean up is if he is just pissed off.

Then after i put the baby to bed he will clean but that is only like once every two months. I told him since watching our kid is so easy then why don't i leave for the whole day and he can watch him and clean up. Ha. He was able to wash clothes (not fold them or put them up) but he still doesn't get it. I'm sick of him, seriously.

Since my husband started working from home, my life has become a nightmare. He overtakes everything I do. Even reading a book to the children seams impossible now.

I do not work at the moment, as our agreement is that I look after the children until they are a little bit bigger, one is 7 and one 5. My husband's financial situation is getting bad day by day and, as he is constantly at the phone, I am obliged to hear all his distressing conversations with colleagues and clients.

Because of it, I think I am getting very stressed or depressed. I am becoming paranoid about everything and though he thinks he helps me at home, I can say that his help as he intends is useless to me. I would like that for helping he could be more tidy himself with the use of things in the house, rather than being messy and dirty with every little thing.

I've tried to explain so many times to him that if he works from home he should respect a little more of my physical work in keeping things in good state, but what I say appears useless. I have had enough that I am thinking of leaving him as I find he is unbearable. Please, could you tell me your opinion?

To the most recent poster: I suspect there may be more to this story than you are aware of, so I think maybe you're rushing to judgment a little too early.

Yes, there are many wives who blame husbands for a negative situation, but I hope you (as a man, obviously) are not telling us that men never blame their wives.

Any person of reasonable intelligence is going to realize that when there is a problem with communication between people in a relationship, any relationship, there is probably "blame" on both sides. Your idea and your friend's of "doing everything to make it easier for her" may not be what she really needed. If you have such a negative view of women, maybe you should avoid them as much as possible.

It seems to be very easy for some women to blame their husbands for everything that is bothering them.

Recently, an acquaintance of mine left work after a long shift, to find the family car gone from the parking lot. When he finally arranged a ride home there was a note telling him she was “done”. She’d taken with her half of the contents of the house and their two adorable children. Now I understand if someone is being abused, fleeing is a serious option. There was no abuse of any kind. His wife has suffered from depression since the birth of their first child four years ago. She packed up the car one day after their daughter was born and decided running away from her problems was her answer. She decided to stay and continue with her medical treatment instead.

The postpartum depression was much worse after their second child was born 18 months ago. This time, she planned her departure well, and even had a truck to take furniture and personal items from the home. Her husband is a loving husband and father. Very hands on with the children. He works shift work and long hours, but comes home and washes dishes, does laundry, vacuums, washes floors, does all the yard work, all of the home repairs (inside and out) -- whatever he can do to make life easier for his wife because he understands she is suffering from depression.

She has taken the children to her hometown, which is too far away for their father to see them on a regular basis, especially because of the shift work. He is, after all, the only wage earner in the home. He has done everything possible to make it easier for her and still he and the children are the ones who suffer. Children need both of their parents and it is evident that the children are being affected by her clouded decisions.

So, even when women are lucky enough to have a guy who doesn’t cheat, works hard for his family and does more than his fair share around the house to help, it’s still not good enough for some of them. If *he* had abducted the children, he would probably be sitting in jail right now, But when the woman decides to use her children as her own personal property in order to stick it to the husband for the sole purpose of obtaining welfare housing in her hometown, there is something seriously wrong with the legal system.

I believe in women’s rights, but the pendulum has swung too far. Men and fathers have rights too. Not to mention the rights of the children who have had no say in the direction their little lives have gone. There are not cookie cutter answers to family problems and I, for one, am upset that men are always portrayed as the bad guys. This idea perpetuates the idea that women can do no wrong.

So interesting to read all the comments. I am in a situation where I feel like I can't say anything right. We both have full time careers. We have a 16 month old.

My husband wants me to ask him to do things or if I need help but when I do, I end up feeling bad because of his reaction or he says I am "saying it wrong," griping, nagging, etc.

Simple things of changing a light bulb is not done for months at a time. How is this right? Feeling so down on myself, hopeless. I am actually afraid of asking him sometimes. I have tried talking, but he hates communicating, what happened to my sympathetic, sincere, husband?

I would like to ask one question: "What does God say about a husband's role in the family?" There are many men who are not living up to God's law, yet using the Bible as a whipping stick on their wives.

I have been married three times and sometimes wonder if this will not turn out to be 100 before I die. I do not live in the past and am happy with me living in the now. Women of God, we must stop allowing men- husbands or otherwise -- to treat us as dirt.

Love yourself first and do what's best for you and your children. God will be there to help pick up the pieces. Quit complaining and start a plan for a new you in 2011.

Be bold and move on with your life without a loser attached. Seek help and support from family, your church, friends or even trusted coworkers.

May God bless you and remind you that life is too short to live it miserable. --Sincerely 4895

my husband moved back in with me after a long separation within three months after first getting married. he promised me he wanted me and the family, that he had finally made up his mind.

well, i am pregnant and he told me he didn't choose me to be his wife and that he is with me because i chased him! that is obviously a sorry excuse for a guy who just doesn't want a family. he makes me feel bad for asking him for food money or to pay bills while i am finishing up my degree and can't work right now.

because he doesn't want me to be his wife he hates his responsibilities as my husband. he lied to me. i am going to have this baby and placate to him so he will financially support us, let him do whatever he wants (he wants to act single) then kick his tail to the curb as soon as i graduate. i will be lucky if i can hide my hate for him for a few more semesters!

Ladies, the only one you can change is yourself. Get a grip on your situation. If you feel you are doing it all, just do the essentials. Take care of your own, and leave his for him. The reason most guys don't help, is because they feel you have it all under control.

But you also have to face it: life with kids is busy and messy. As the kids get older, it will get simpler. Best to encourage them to help when they are young, and they will have good habits as they get older.

I am a man with a home business, and my wife works away from home, and at times from home if work is busy. Our kids are older, but since they were young I have taken over most care and home duties. After 13 years we still don't gripe about who didn't do what. I feel I do the brunt of the home duties myself, but it easy to overlook what someone else has already done. The best thing is not to gripe about each other, and don't expect your home to be a show home when you are raising a family.

Hey, life's messy, but learn to enjoy it. A positive attitude will take you much further than all your griping.

Anon127306: You have already told yourself that you are "too young to stay in a relationship that makes me so unhappy!" So, why *are* you in this relationship? You must be getting something out of it.

You say that you don't want "this" for your kids. And what exactly do you mean by "this"? Your children are learning from your relationship with your "husband," you know. They see that it's okay for a man to show little or no respect for his partner and her needs and desires.

They see that you are unhappy with the situation but that you apparently accept it as "okay" or "normal." You're right: You don't want that for your kids, do you? If you stay "for the sake of the children," ask yourself which would have more of a negative impact on your life and your children's lives: staying in a negative situation or moving on and trying to find happiness for all of you.

If you can't support yourself and your children on your earnings, start looking for help from local government social services offices. If you are afraid that your husband might try to harm you and/or your children if you try to leave, find out if there is a local women's shelter where you can stay until you can find a better alternative.

Above all, try not to despair. There are usually agencies available to help someone like you, but may not be easy to find. Try to find at least one friend/relative that you can confide in absolutely (someone who won't talk to your husband behind your back) and enlist that person's help and support. Good luck to you and your children!

I am only 24 years old with three kids and am common law married and living with my husband. We both work full time and he refuses to help me around the house unless I nag and nag at him to do things. He always says that he is "tired" or "stressed". And I'm not! There are so many things to do!

I have already talked to him again and again about the way I feel because he also smokes and is a bit of a heavy drinker. I'm so tired of always having to nag and argue about the same crap all the time! It's been about six months now that we have been arguing and I've been waiting for things to get better. He will get better for a few days but is always back to his ways in no time.

I am really trying to be positive because I don't want this for my children. But I think to myself. "I'm too young to stay in a relationship that's makes me so unhappy!" Is that selfish of me? I need advice on what I should do. I can't even leave him in the house with the kids especially if he's been drinking. Not because he will hurt them or me but because he won't watch them! My oldest is two and my youngest is three months.

I think it's so sad that I don't even trust my own kids father to watch them. Even though he is a great dad. We recently started cussing at each other when we argue and I think things are just getting worse. The past month or so I've stopped the nagging and just done what the kids and I need done because I'm just so over the arguing. I never grew up seeing that and I don't want my kids to go through it. If anyone has advice for me please. I'm just so lost.

Dear Anon 113563,: I like your question, and i am prepared to answer it, but very few will see the point. Regardless of having a loving family and partner, I was in fact, just plain selfish. I've been living with my ex for two years. We were together for seven, but i took it on my own shoulders to try and cut him out of my life. It's only now that that I have realized he's still here, he still provides and he still does for me and the children.

The problem isn't with our partners. It's actually with ourselves. you have to look deep into your own soul. you have to look past the shadows the hurt and pain. if you're selfish and you don't see it, it's hard to put things straight and extremely easy to blame them. Everyone just needs to be honest regardless of how they feel. Yes you might upset you partner but what is two weeks of arguing compared to a lifetime of hurt?

Just found this website and I gotta ask why all you women stay with these men if you are so unhappy? Is there a single one of you who can answer that question? I'd really like to know what it is that is keeping you in these situations that you say you hate so much.

This is for Anon113334: So your husband is scary and mean doesn't support you, etc. Okay, altogether now: Why are you staying with this bozo? You must be getting something out of this so-called relationship or else you are some kind of masochist.

I don't think you said one, not one positive thing about him. Again, why are you staying with someone like this? Apparently, in some small corner of your mind, you feel that being with this "person" is better than being being alone.

How is being with someone who is insulting, mean, critical and not affectionate better than being alone?

I feel for all of you guys and I know how you feel because it's the same way for me. My husband is very dominant and wants me to do things his way or he starts talking harshly to me and rebuking me and backing me into a corner where he manipulates me into doing things his way and giving him his apology and acknowledging that I am wrong when he is actually the one who is wrong.

He is so scary and mean that you can't argue with him. He doesn't hit or anything, but he is very dominant and that's how his dad was. I'm trapped because everything is always my fault. I also do everything. I do all the cleaning (mopping, sweeping, vacuuming, cleaning bathrooms, dishes, cooking, etc.). From time to time he might clean up the bathrooms and today he did some of the dishes which was a big shocker to me, and does take out the trash occasionally.

I raise our baby while he goes off to work, but I also have a very demanding full time job where I work from home and I do the same job that men do (as an engineer). I'm the only female in our team so it's not that housework and raising the baby is all that I'm doing.

I make much more money than he does. He finally got a job after almost four years and before getting this job, since I've known him he had a job for a period of one month. Some of it was his fault and some wasn't. I was just too giving and too willing and too helpful and too desperate!

He wants me to look like a beauty queen and insults me because I don't look like one, he puts me down and exalts himself and is so mean to me. He has a laundry list of things for me to do and when I ask him for the simplest thing, like look into my eyes and see me as a person and not his slave, he refuses to do it. He isn't affectionate at all.

He doesn't support my desires or dreams, but lets me know what he wants my desires and dreams to be and he's willing to take steps for those things. Yet, I'm to support all his desires and dreams. What is that all about?

I hate it. We argue weekly and it's just too much. I'm angry with him all the time and always noticing all the things he does that annoys me, and he doesn't seem to think anything is wrong. As long as I'm kissing his butt and doing all the things to support him, he's all right, and when we have these arguments he says that I fly off the handle and I have mental problems because my reactions are too much.

I only respond the way I do because I can't talk to him about my needs or else it'll become an argument so I have to keep everything inside of me. Then he'll blame me for keeping everything inside and harboring animosity against him. It's a lose-lose situation with him all the time.

I'm always wrong, and the arguments are always my fault because of "my words" as he says. I should have used a better choice of words to him that wouldn't cause him to respond that way. He's always justified in all he does and the argument always ends with me doing the wrong thing because I should have chosen better words to use.

So I have to work myself up and not be able to express myself in the argument and I'm supposed to make everything sound sweet and acceptable to him. But if I say one thing "wrong" it is now my fault and the point I'm trying to express to him now is nothing because of what "I did". So unfair.

Even in arguments and disagreements I have to disagree on his terms.

At least your husbands will work! We've been married for seven years and he has never held a job since I'm a nurse; and now he's telling people he's "disabled".

But if he's so disabled, how can he leave the house with the only car we have and drive around with his friends all day long and then all night long he's gambling, playing football video games, while I'm raising the kids, homeschooling them, cooking, washing clothes, dishes?

I've had it. I don't mind doing all the work at home. I don't even want him to help me! I just want him to be a man and work, so I can stay home with the kids! Today I prayed to God and asked Him what should I do? Should I divorce him, because its so obvious to me that he could care less about me or the kids. He is just using me for lodging,(because the house was my grandparents), and food.

And sex? Forget about it, we only have sex once a month if that and that's because he doesn't want it. I guess he doesn't desire me anymore because he likes women with long hair and I cut mine short because it's easier to care for with my busy schedule. Yes, I am a married parent who lives like a single parent.

I really hate to complain about my husband. We have been very blessed in our 10 years of marriage. He has made all my dreams come true, and I have two wonderful children. I only wish he could see that it takes more than one to run a home.

His job sometimes requires him to be gone for months at a time, so he feels that I should handle everything in the home so things will run smoothly when he is gone. Well I understand the reasoning in that, but what about when he is home? I understand that I am a stay at home mom, and he works a full time job outside the home. The only thing is that my job never ends.

He goes to work and comes home, eats, sleeps on couch, wakes up, and then plays computer games until bedtime. I have been suffering from what doctor's think is fibromyalgia for the past six years, so at times my health is not the greatest. My husband still expects me to homeschool our two children for five 1/2 to six hours a day, cook, wash clothes, clean house (dishes, mop, vacuum, dust, bathrooms, etc.), trash, preventive maintenance, cut three heads of hair, mow lawn, pay bills, invest money, prepare taxes, repair broken household things, handle all appointments for boys, remember all the things that need to be done to the cars (inspections, etc). These are just what I can think of off the top of my head.

I have managed to get my children to empty the dish washer and fold towels. I am truly thankful for all the help they give me. I just wish their dad would help more.

I am something of a perfectionist, so if I can't get all of these things done perfectly then I feel like I have failed at everything. I guess that is where I am at the moment. I feel like I'm being stretched in too many directions.

I have gone from perfection to not caring what my house looks like. It appears like no one else does. When I did clean to perfection, it would get messed up minutes after being cleaned. Nothing ever gets put in its proper place. When I did pick up after everyone, I got blamed for them not being able to find things. I was told that if I had just left things where they were, they could have found it.

I guess after 10 years, I am a little burned out. I love my family and thank God every day for them. I am having to become a little selfish and let a few things fall by the wayside in order to keep peace of mind. I really hate doing that, because I was taught to always do the best at whatever I am doing.

I want to be the best wife, mom, and homemaker I can possibly be. Sometimes it stinks being so detail oriented. I see things that need to be done and no one else does. Because I see them, I feel like I have to do them because no one else will. My husband either doesn't see them or chooses not to see them.

After reading all of your posts, it seems like a lot of us are feeling like doormats. The question is what do we do? I, for one, have just decided to only do what I can handle and not worry about the rest. Life is short, and I want to enjoy the time I have left.

If, for some reason, my husband and children do not like the way I handle our home, then it will be up to them to change it. Our meals will be quick, our home will be livable, and I will have peace of mind.

To the person who is thinking of divorce after 1 and 1/2 years of marriage: Divide a piece of paper in half and write "pros" and "cons" at the top of each half. Then write the pros for staying with this guy and the "cons." This will give you a clearer picture.

It looks like you are not what he wants (someone he can order around and make demands of) and he is not what you want (someone who respects who you are as a human being and is not looking for a servant).

Take that into consideration, along with your list, make a decision and stick with it. If you decide to stay, keep in mind that he is probably not going to change much (do you want to have more children with someone like that?) and therefore your situation won't change unless you do something to change it.

If you decide leave, be more careful in the future with whom you align yourself. Don't have any more children until you are sure you're with someone whose values are basically the same as yours.

Good luck to you, and let us know how you are doing.

So I have been married for a year and a half and we are already thinking about divorce. My husband's family are old school christians where the mom stays home and cooks, cleans, homeschools, everything -- while the father works for eight hours and brings home the bacon.

My husband swore up and down he was nothing like that and I told him that I cannot stay at home and be a housewife. I am a full time student and I work full time and have two babies one by him and one by a previous marriage (father passed away).

The first few months were okay but now he doesn't do any house work except take out the trash and do some dishes here and there and only after I yell at him and he throws a huge fit. He now demands I cook and wash his work clothes. I'm afraid that he is turning out like his father and I'm not into that homemaker stuff. Any advice?

anon103167: You dream your spouse of 25 years will die? Why not try for a more positive dream? Independence! Freedom! Peace of mind! If you're working the night shift as a nurse, you probably make fairly good money, so why *not* divorce him? Remember the words of Yoda in Star Wars? "No! Try not! Do or do not. There is no try." Get busy living, or get busy dying, lady.

After 25 yrs of marriage I am done. I work full time nights as a nurse and my husband is retired. I do the house work, cooking, yard work - almost everything. His lazy butt sits on the couch. I now hate him and wish he would die.

I have rheumatoid arthritis and am in pain every day and he still will not help. When I ask he gets sarcastic and says he will try. Try this - I want a divorce. I dream he will die.

Dear anon98088: Ever tried offering your "children" (How old did you say they were? And do they have jobs, are they students?) a choice, such as "You want the car keys? Then wash the dishes." "The X-Box disappears until you guys can learn to do chores on a regular basis." "Your father and I have changed the computer password and we will logon for you when and only when we see some improvement in behavior around here."

The problem here, of course, is that you are trying to teach values to your children about 15-20 years too late. Why didn't you start teaching them how to contribute to the running of the household when they were four or five years old, instead of waiting until they were teenagers?

Also, it appears that you and your husband haven't learned how to present a united front. You're right: he is also a parent and needs to act like one, and being a parent is not being an enabler. But if he is unable to try being a true parent, then you can't change him; you can only change yourself.

I personally like the idea of going on strike: no housecleaning, no cooking, no nothing, as well as removing TV, computer, X-box, car keys, etc.-- whatever you need to do to get everyone's attention. Because, honey, right now they aren't listening to you.

My husband works full time. I refuse to do the dishes because I am the ceo of the house and women you have all said it in your posts all the other things we do. I feel our teenagers should do the dishes.

Our teenagers are 16, 18 and 22. They will not keep up with the dishes, so when there are no forks or pans clean and dishes are piled high, my husband will do them after he comes home from work after 6:30 p.m.

That just upsets me to see him doing dishes after working all day, when the kids find plenty of time to play x-box or be on computer even with homework.

My problem is my husband, because he doesn't say anything to them. He is not teaching them the "necessary expectations" (per a therapist we had seen in the past had said). He ignores me when I say "the kids are supposed to do those". He says "I'm just dong a few". He'll do about half, meanwhile the teenagers are doing x-box, computer or out and about using our car, without any appreciation and letting their dad do the dishes.

I, the mother, the bad cop, am always telling them when it's their turn for dishes, yet they just look at me like yeah so. Again this is my husband's fault. He doesn't stand behind me.

Bottom line: I truly believe he thinks his mother did everything. He was the only boy (middle child) with five sisters. I have talked to them and they said they had to do dishes whether they had homework or not.

This causes a great deal of stress in our relationship -- if you can still call it a relationship.

Additionally, I used to constantly tell the kids to clean up after themselves in the kitchen when they make food messes. They're old enough to make food for themselves, and they should be old enough to clean up after themselves. They don't and he again doesn't stand behind me. So this has created the mom's the bad cop and he's the good cop.

Oh, don't get me started because he doesn't get what bad cop and good cop relates to, so he is just not trying.

I could go on and on, perhaps write a book on all the negative crap I get from the kids because I'm just trying to be a mom, like God wanted me to and teach my kids morals within our four walls.

It's not working. They only consider me mom when they need something.

Their moral: if dad doesn't stand behind mom, then we don't have to do it, including pick up after ourselves, refill paper towels etc. when they use the last up.

He needs to step up to the plate and be a parent, not just a fun (not mean) dad and father.

I can't get him to understand that. So here I found this site to again vent to the outside world. Thank you.

After five very frustrating years of the same crap, I was curious as to know if it is true that men need orders barked at them. Well, I found a little relief when I came upon this website with endless stories of husbands being less than helpful around the house. Although my problem isn't solved, it is a relief to think I'm not the only one with a husband that doesn't do anything unless instructed to do so!

My husband and I have 3 three kids together, he doesn't work and we both are stuck at home until he finds work. He does nothing to help and I mean nothing! He doesn't do anything with the kids -- that's all left to me. He won't even take his plate into the kitchen after finishing a meal!

He spends his time on the computer or with his mates drinking. Even then, he expects me to look after kids and do the cleaning when he's out. When it comes to bedtime he then expects me to have enough energy to be a sex goddess! By that time I'm too tired. I am thinking of a divorce because I would be better off alone.

I can't take it anymore, and I'm sick of arguing because I am asking him to do something and he leaves it, then I end up doing it. I love him very much but I'm not a slave! I blame his mam and dad for not giving him any responsibility when he was younger.

I wish I'd never married him and just left him instead. Drastic yes, but he is 28 years old and you can't change a person, just like you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

For those of you who are putting up with way too much: you're already single parents, please do yourselves a favor and leave your men. Nobody should be treated like a slave, Christian or not, and if this is your only life I don't think god would condemn you for doing what makes you happy.

All of what you women have said really helped me, especially the woman who said she left her kids with her husband for four days and didn't tell him what to do, or how to do it -- just trusted that things may not be right, but they would be fine.

I have a very jealous husband. He can't even stand to be alone at home while I'm at my mom's house for dinner. He's incapable of entertaining himself. I have a two year old daughter whom I love more than anything, but I'm only 23 and it's just too much to be with her 24/7. I bathe her, brush her teeth, dress her, do all the laundry (his included), make all the parenting decisions like no more ba bas, on top of grocery shopping and all the other stay at home mom duties. None of which my fiance expects from me.

I'm a perfectionist, and I want to be the best mother I can be for my daughter. I also want to always look my best -- that part is for me.

I come from a dysfunctional, divorced and uprooted too many times family, and my two brothers and I have all different fathers and various issues. I have an illness I'm battling and am on steroids that make my anxiety 100 times worse.

My fiance is wonderful, and I don't have a problem with him as far as cleaning goes. He's a very clean person and always makes sure our living space is tidy, cleans the kitchen before I wake up so I don't have to worry about it. Our bathrooms and bedroom suffer, but I really don't expect him to do any of that, although I get tired of cleaning urine off the toilet.

I have told him I'm not going to do his laundry anymore because it's too much work, but we all love clothes and there are just too many between all of us.

My problem is the baby. He works all day and when he comes home wants to relax. He loves his girl, but gets easily frustrated, and doesn't have the patience I wish he did. He wants to relax, which I understand, but I need to relax too. I told him sometimes I might need to leave the house to be alone and he got irritated by it. I told him I'm overwhelmed and he asked me to massage him.

I told him I'm going to lose my mind and he told me I'm selfish, and all I do is pick him apart. It's been three years and in the beginning he was very emotionally abusive. It's gotten so much better, but now he resents me for making him change. I don't even want to have sex because I'm so overwhelmed with everything else.

I just want to be a person again. I don't even know who I am anymore.

Anon88476: This is your fiance you're talking about, right? Your fiance of six years? It doesn't sound like you're very happy with him, so why would you want to be with such a person? And six years? Does he also have a commitment phobia?

I think the writing's on the wall, here. I'm sure it would be difficult with three children, but it sounds like you need to cut the rope on this anchor you have hanging around your neck. If he hasn't changed in six years, he's not going to change. You're going to have to be the one to take a stand and do something to effect some change. Good luck!

My fiance (of six years) and I have three kids together. He helps out a little bit but not as much as he should. He helps with grocery shopping, including bringing it inside and helping to put it away, mows the lawns and takes the rubbish out, but those things only need doing once a week/fortnight, whereas I do about 10 things or more each day, including taking care of three kids (I'm a stay at home mother).

Now, I know he works hard Mon to Fri at a job and I don't expect much during week nights, just for him to help get kids ready for bed (read stories, bath, teeth, pjs etc) and maybe help fold the laundry. He can still watch tv while he's doing it too, doesn't even have to leave the couch.

On weekends he doesn't work so I do expect him to pull his weight more, and like I said, he does mow the lawns but that only happens once a fortnight or less and once he's done that he relaxes for the rest of the day (it only takes about half an hour too), but I am tidying and cleaning all day after that.

While he is sitting on the couch I am doing washing, folding clothes, doing dishes, taking care of kids, vacuuming, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms and toilets, wiping grotty finger marks of walls/doors/windows etc.

What really annoys me is that when I do ask for help he'll either make a joke about why he doesn't do housework or I will have to end up doing things myself because he won't do it straight away.

Another thing that annoys me is that he can see/hear that I am stressed, running around doing housework, looking after kids, he can see things that need doing but he just will not help. I mean, he might straighten up the cushions on the couch and put some toys away but that's it. He thinks that's enough.

Now I know many people say that men don't know what to do well I think that is crap. A) when I was in hospital after having our third child, my fiance stayed home with our eldest two kids and he did clean the house (which I greatly appreciated by the way), and he even continued to do a few things after I got home (he had paternity leave for a few weeks), so it's not as though he doesn't know what to do and B) why should we have to ask for help? Aren't they grown men? Don't they have a brain? Can't they think for themselves? Can't he see two baskets full of clothes, already folded, in the lounge room? Why can't he think to put them away?

The other day I asked him to fold some towels, then he put them on the floor, and I said "are you going to put them away now?" he said "but you didn't tell me to do that." What? I am not his mother, he should have thought to do that.

Some days I feel as though I have four kids instead of three. He has told me (when we've argued) that I was the one that wanted to stay home and I was the one that wanted three kids so the housework is my job, but it's not 1950 is it? He should help out more when he is home (weekends, nights).

I am happy to do more than him as long as he does some things. I was actually in tears a few months ago because we were arguing about housework and said I need help and he said I should be more organized. I was like what? I am organized with housework but that is no excuse why he shouldn't do his share. Vent over. I think.

i feel like i am a slave in my own home. My husband doesn't help at all, We have two kids. All he does is eat and go to work. i am so tired of being like this. i have to stay home and look at the kids all day. i really need help. i hate being married to a good for nothing.

My son's wife is the lazy, bossy one! She's like, "fred" 'get the baby wipes' 'can you get this, get that' She's so lazy and cranky and bossy, and we hate her but do our best to let our son know he needs to be more assertive. But we raised him to be nice. Unfortunately now we're thinking, but we didn't mean for him to end up being bossed around by this crazy girl.

Thank you so much. You women are very good to do all of this. Through the pain and frustration so many of you are even trying to be as nice as possible. It must be very hard. As a man you've helped me reading this.

I said pitching in because a teenager who has that chore also has too much homework some nights.

Dear Ladies: My heart goes out to you. I have been, and Mrs. will back me up, a good father, lover, and faithful husband. I clean up after myself. But after two years of Mrs. taking over how jobs are to be done, I just stopped helping her. Too much yelling. Your stories have helped me.

Yes, I do distasteful jobs that have no time-limit, spending a whole day or entire weekend fixing things I have encountered for the first time. But I'm pitching in on the dishes or whatever else it takes.

We have a good relationship, but I clearly have heard my wife, multiple times per week stress we don't help enough. I'll find a way to help more. God bless you all.

I know this does not immediately help your husbands to help you. Please forgive them somehow and then "win" for both of you. Straight-forward language. Logic. Love.

Wow! When your husbands insist that you entertain, buy your own (??) groceries, earn your keep, etc., make as much as they do before they'll do anything more than sit on their brains, do you answer, "Sir, yes, sir!"

And "honey-do lists? Isn't that a throwback to the 1950's? Get a life, chickies! Start taking care of yourselves and stop worrying about taking care of some jerk who obviously could not care less about you until he realizes that you are no longer his servant. Sheesh!

Oh, this is so hilarious? Who are you people? And where did you find these so-called men? Were people desperate to get married that they willingly enslaved yourself to the first three-legged testosterone laden idiot that came along? Who says you have to do exactly what your husband tells you to do?

Contrary to the author's suggestion, your husband doesn't give a rat's hiney about "helping" you around the house or with the children that belong to both of you and you have a better chance of winning a $200 million dollar lottery jackpot than seeing any results by "asking" for help!

So what do you do? Take charge of your life! There are resources out there to help you! Look for them!

Live your own life and take care of yourself. Did you have a job/career before married? Then find out how to resurrect it. If not, then get some training. And stop complaining about how your husbands "make" or "require" you to do things. What do they do--hold a gun to your head? No one can "make" you do anything you don't want to do. After all, these are "men," although the poorest specimens on the planet, not superbeings with powers that you yourself don't possess. Above all, stop being doormats!

"I am required to do all the housework"? "I must earn my keep"? "My husband has always told me that housework is a wife's job?" What century are you living in? Who died and made your husbands God?

Didn't you know your husbands were like this before you married them? And what made you think they would magically change after marriage? Women, you have made your beds; now have fun sleeping in them. Either that or learn how to change yourselves and take care of yourselves. Is your husband your partner or your boss/slavedriver? Sounds like the latter to me.

Okay, this story is older than the world's oldest profession. Why? Because in any male-dominated culture (and which culture isn't male dominated?), society teaches us, both men and women, that this is acceptable behavior on the part of men and that women just have to accept it.

Basically, men marry for two reasons: for regular sex and to have someone to take care of their personal needs. Guess what? If your husband had that attitude before marriage, probably nothing will change that attitude after marriage.

I am betting that every single one of you women who have posted about this thought she could change her husband after they were married. When will people, especially women, learn that you can never change anyone but yourself?

The mistake of you probably made was not taking a clue from your husband's lifestyle before you married him. What was his home like? A disaster? Did he hire someone to clean it for him? Did he ever ask you to clean it for him? You also probably made the mistake of failing to discuss both of your expectations of your life together after marriage.

And why do all of you refer to your husband doing chores around the house as "helping" you? That puts the primary responsibility for these chores on you! Doesn't your husband live there, too? I'll bet your husbands also refer to taking care of the kids as "babysitting." You don't "babysit" your own kids! It's just another way of failing to accept responsibility.

And what can all of you do about this? Therapy is expensive but might be worth it if you can find a good one. I personally would consider going on strike and not doing any cooking or cleaning. Otherwise, I think that all of you are pretty much in trouble.

You're enablers and your husbands will continue to be exactly the way they are unless you change *your* behavior! Welcome to the 21st century!

Ladies, relax. I have been married five years now and my husband came to terms that he had to help me. Here is what i did: one day, i asked him to take some time off work and i left the house for four days and left him with the kids.

Oh yes, my heart sunk when i thought about the children but figured this was good for me. the kids got to be around their dad for real and he got to get down to business.

i wasn't going to creep around him telling him what to do or coming home chocked that he actually fed them with biscuits all day. i just left them with him to take care of them. I stopped telling him what to do with the children or how to wash the plates, etc. -- things i will do my own way.

Since that time, i do that every week end, when he is home, i go out to wind up a bit; i have time with my friends or go to a movie even on my own.

it's called self care. Don't deny yourselves sex because you are just exhausted. sex is good. stop looking at your husband as if your happiness will come from him. just trust your husbands that they can take care of those kids in their own way. That's the key. A father can never be a mother, remember that ladies so please relax.

For those of you who breastfeed, express or go out with your precious little ones.

Whining and complaining doesn't help. just think about you what you need right now and do it. stop telling him what to do. start doing what you are really yearning in your heart to do. your resentment against him will diminish. we are trying to be wonder woman and then we are surprised to be overloaded.

I am the husband but I do chores like dishes, laundry (weekends) if I am at home, push the garbage, vacuum on weekends, mow the lawns fortnightly and pay all the mortgage plus all the fixed expenses, utilities, rates and takeaways. My wife pays for the children's education, groceries, insurances and child care. She works part time. The only thing I never want to do is cooking, which is where we disagree all the time. And I don't like to mix with her friends who are weird and very annoying.

Since all my wage is spent on expenses and the mortgage, I don't have enough money for holidays so we don't go anywhere. Do you think this sounds fair? I admit I don't spend much time with the kids since I'm stressed out at work and I do the house chores every day.

I feel not going anywhere has robbed me of most of my life.

Who writes these articles? Men trying to subtly get the woman to know her place? I looked for the author but didn't find one. I relate to almost all of the women posting here.

I do resent my husband and I also am a christian. I am not with my husband any more emotionally. I'm only staying physically for my love of God. But does God want us to be miserable?

How much would the kids suffer if I left their daddy? I feel I am a prisoner. I'd rather be a true prisoner and left for dead!

I've been married for almost seven years, have one daughter 4.5 years old. I felt better that I'm not the only one. My husband never helps around the house. He comes home, sits on the couch watching TV or work on his laptop/ phone. He will come to eat when asked and get up once he's done. Cleaning the table, loading and unloading the dishwasher, washing clothes, taking care of my daughter, all lies on me. I've to get the trash together, so he can put the can outside!

His clothes will be around the house -- wallet, keys, laptop, everything is just kept where he sits, not in the place they should be. If I complain, he says, I do a lot of work, you just don't know. Oh, he pays the bills - like that takes a long time or energy - he does it online!

I wake up my daughter in the morning, get her ready for school, take her and pick her up, feed her, I mean everything. I never get to watch my tv shows, then who will read to her. I'm just so tired.

I'm constantly nagging or yelling. My poor daughter feels so sad seeing me like this. I don't want to be this way. I'm unable to manage with one child, don't know how others do it with more. By the way, I work full time.

I am 27 years old and now I'm pregnant with my third child. I don't know if is because I'm pregnant that everything my husband does gets on my nerves.

I work 40 hours a week and he stays home all day and don't do anything. He is really getting to me and all he does is complain like a little girl.

He just never was trained to help around the house or do anything. he will die without a woman in his life.

My gripe is that my husband wants sex all the time, which I don't anymore. We used to be very passionate, which explains four children in seven years. I also have a 10 year old from a previous relationship who has been a huge help when not in school, and who my husband adores and treats as if he were his own.

My children's ages are: seven months old, two years old, four years old, six years old and 10 years old. my seven-month old is still breastfeeding, started on solids, and my two year old is still in diapers, so I'm always feeding them and changing diapers.

Then there's washing dishes constantly, doing at least one or two loads of laundry a day, being a referee more often than anything, getting the older two kids to and from school daily, cooking, cleaning, reading to kids, playing games with them, by the end of the day, my brain has completely shut down, and I'm running on auto-pilot. I'm asleep before my head hits the pillow.

My husband works in the city, so he's gone for 13 hours every day, counting the commute. He always has his dinner prepared for him, along with his drink and the blasted hockey/baseball game is always on.

He once told me that if I can make more money than him, he'd gladly stay home with the kids. He can't even stand to play mommy for three hours, and in that time, like I said, the baby is still breastfeeding, so she goes everywhere with me, so he doesn't have to take care of her! I have no energy nor desire for sex at the end of the day, or anytime for that matter.

I'm sick of trying to get him to help around the house, as doing so only angers me and will not get done unless I do it anyway.

Last night, he asked me what my problem is, so I laid into him. He's the guy who has gotten his way his entire life, so being told no doesn't seem to agree with him. HA HA!

I used to look forward to getting the kids to bed so that he and I could be alone together, to talk about things, and to be intimate. Since I got pregnant with baby no. 5 (babies four and five were big surprises), I haven't wanted anything to do with my husband. I can't stand even being touched by him.

Oh, and yes, we've been religious about using birth control. He finally realized that he had to get a vasectomy because if I got a tubal ligation, I'd be down for five weeks, and he'd have to do my job for that long. If that wasn't annoying enough, he absolutely insists that we invite his "friends" over to entertain, and I am to do all the work so he can do the entertaining.

Not all days are bad, but when I am seriously stressed because of kids, he thinks that sex is what I need. What I need is a nice massage and a deep sleep. And for him to lay off of me until i am ready to want him again!

No matter how many times I say this to him, it's like trying to reason with a brick wall. Anyway, thanks. I feel better now!

i stay at home with the kids all winter (five months), and when my girl gets home from work i don't tell her to grab a rag. If she doesn't like the way i do things when I'm in charge of the house, oh well... Is that respecting me in my home?

All i want is cuddling and comforting. It's OCD that's ruining your life; don't blame a mess. I'm from both sides. I work 14 hour days all summer, and when i get home from work all i want is cuddling and comforting. You really think i give a crap about the laundry?

Where do people get off thinking they own their partner? Give me a break. Dishes? You think partners are the boss of each other? If you want it clean, clean it. If you want a clean guy, go find one.

Don't change people if you know what's good for you. Get meds or pipe down. i do dishes every two or three days. OCD girls can't let a dirty glass hit the counter before they are scrubbing it down. Get help.

I just read all the posts above and I'm glad I'm not the only one who is in need of a change. I love the person my Hubby is other then his lazy piggish ways.

My husband is a drunk. He wakes up in the morning to a beer if he doesn't have to leave for work, and drinks till 5 a.m. and later. He works away from the house and I don't. I'm a stay at home mother of a two and three year old. He works an eight hour day and I work a 17 hour day. And he expects me to want to: play games, drink, party, relax, have sex (constantly), have a life. I don't have time for a life, with all the tasks he makes for me and leaves me with the kids. I hate my life and I don't feel like a good mom or lover because of this.

I too, am at my wits end over this. I am sick of being used as a slave. Everyone I have cared for has made a slave out of me. When is *my* break?

I have to say I seriously resent the people who have used me in my life. I have PTSD, Bipolar type2, OCD, Anorexia, and some form of chronic pain in many parts of my body.

I am a small person so it is very hard for me to take on all the tasks that are left for me. No matter how much pain I'm in I don't back down because I never want to be a halfway parent. But our kids need both parents to give a hundred percent.

I'm too tired to keep giving two hundred percent. I'm convinced that I will not live a long life the way I'm going. I just don't want to break hubby's heart or have the kids separated from daddy.

Okay, here is a twist. I'm a dad and I'm going through the same things. I've been married for 10 years. We have three kids and my wife does not do laundry, wash dishes or bathe our five year old. Yes, she does work all day but it's only been six months I have been off and this was going on before then.

It's frustrating and I feel like I'm raising three kids by myself. To top that off, her Mom lives with us and she has a fourth grade education. She is 67 but looks like she is 87 because of years of drinking and smoking, so guess who cooks for her and makes sure she takes her meds?

So, not only am I taking care of our kids, I'm taking care of her mom and she has two older brothers and an older sister, so why she lives with us I have no idea.

ladies, stop having so many children. I stopped on my first one. I cannot imagine how I would do with three-plus kids and my lazy husband sitting on the couch all night after coming home from work.

I know it's sad, but kids do take a lot of time. One was enough for me! Make time for yourselves, get out of the house and walk around the block once or twice, and he will have to do something! He will realize you need time for yourself!

I have five kids and i am a at home mom my husband works from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. monday, tuesday, thursday, friday and saturday, so i can't get a job with no family to help or no friends because i have three kids getting on and off buses and two at home all day.

I'm exhausted. I know my husband works and i understand that, but it's a break from home and from the kids he gets and i don't.

I'm at home all the time. The only time i leave is with him when we go shopping or to the doctors with the kids. I clean the house all day. I have five kids. I have to do dishes all day, laundry daily, throwing the trash out all the time, putting the dishes away, putting the laundry away, dressing the kids, bathing the kids, setting up their appointments, doing their homework with them, trying to play with the babies, paying the bills, cleaning their rooms.

I never get a chance to sit down because if I'm not doing any of that, I'm cooking and feeding everyone or ironing my husband's clothes. He always has a hot meal ready for him when he comes home.

I tell him I'm exhausted and I need a break, that I'm going to lose it. I used to go out all the time with the kids. I used to be happy and now I'm exhausted and don't want to go out because the kids are too much by myself. On his days off, he does nothing but sits on the couch and plays his video games and says this is my day off and he should get to relax.

What? Are you kidding? Where's my break? Not even a shower alone. I end up with my one and three year old because he won't watch them.

I need help. Where's my life? I do it for my kids but how am i going to be a great mom when I'm exhausted?

It does make me feel better to see all of these post. My husband is really not a bad person, he is always home and never does anything without me. I love him but I am exhausted!

I have a two year old and a three year old, I work 30 hours a week, and the rest of the time I'm with my kids.

I do all of the books for my husband's excavating business (for free!) pay bills, invoices, payables and receivables, taxes etc., help take care of my g-ma next door (bathe her, clean her room, do her laundry, etc.) and all of the house work and taking care of the kids.

I don't get off work until 5:30. Mind you he owns his own business and is home before me most of the time. my mom keeps our kids right down the road from our house, he drives right by there and won't stop and pick them up so I don't have to, unless I throw a fit! I feel like they are his kids too, and he should feel obligated to get them when he can.

And to top it off, not only does he do almost nothing to help, he has something to say about everything! Like if i didn't have time to do the dishes, or vacuum, sweep, pick up toys, etc. He has the balls to complain from the couch I might add about any and everything even little stupid stuff. He can see me running my butt off cooking, giving the kids a bath (which he has never done before) then after dinner when I'm tired and want to sit for a minute, he has the nerve to gripe about me not cleaning the kitchen up right after I eat!

Well i will you tell this much: I love him more than i have ever loved anyone before and I would do anything for him, but I am not going to keep putting up with this BS forever! Don't get me wrong. I'm not the silent weak type; he gets a whole mouthful every time he does these things, but he still keeps doing it and not doing anything! Ever heard the expression I can do bad all by myself? I'm already basically a single mom to three kids instead of two, including him!

If he was gone it would just be less laundry, fewer dishes, less dirt on the floor, less of everything, and my couch wouldn't be so flat!

I think this is huge problem for women and us ladies need to step up or step out. Being mistreated, disrespected and pretty much dumped on is simply not OK. The more it is "allowed", the more women end up getting sick due to the buried resentment!

Enough is enough. complaining about it does not change it. they will hear you complain (nothing changes) and so they continue - why not? right. What an ideal situation it is to follow your work goals and enjoy banter all day, feel good about your accomplishments then have someone at home doing all your mindless details at home! No way! Give me a wife! The only way to change this dynamic to calmly state what is needed and expected in your equal partnership, ensuring that both agree to it.

make a plan and move forward together, allowing some room for error. But if the dynamic stays unbalanced, disrespectful and ignoring your needs as a person and women - leave. you simply deserve better.

Why do women get this short stick? I've had two previous relationships to the one I'm in now, and they start off as if they are different from the last one then slowly they stop helping, stop working, stop caring.

Sometimes I want to leave the mess around him with the kids screaming for him to 'fix', and walk out the door for a few hours, but I don't trust that the children won't be yelled at.

This man has no idea what I do to keep it all going! I'm angry at my lazy arse partner at the moment, I want to leave. I want him to know I am serious and have had enough of not being respected!

But being on your own is just as hard work --I've been there too. I'm not washing his clothes at the moment he can get stuffed, he has to wash his own.

I'm starting to hate him at times and he thinks everything is fine except no sex. I can't have sex with someone who treats me like crap. Still he doesn't get it. Thick or what!

I work at a prison which is extremely stressful. I bring in almost twice as much as my husband. He is improving with helping out but I still carry the majority of the load by far -even though he picks and chooses his chores (babysitting vs. scrubbing the bathroom).

If I say I need help with the dishes, he thinks that means tonight and I will live happily ever after, not daily. Then he rationalizes that the reason I'm mad is because he doesn't make enough money.

Having a husband is like having a second older child since I'm always picking up after him as well. He also makes more work for me (exciting the two year old 10 minutes before bedtime). Then a lot of these types of husbands think you're ready to happily strip and hop in bed with them after running yourself ragged all day.

The fact that you did the majority of the work doesn't exactly contribute to feeling like you're a couple using teamwork. Having had no time to pamper yourself or time to even work yourself up to feeling sexy doesn't help either in bedroom matters. Then you get the, "oh, you're beautiful the way you are" but the psychology behind this comment goes back to teen boys saying whatever they need to in order to get in your pants.

In my case, I'm also working against that clock when I have to get up for work at 5 a.m. I haven't given up but it's certainly a trial day in and out when both work and home life are stressful and there is no escape.

Wow, i am happy i am not the only one. We both work, my husband and I, and he never helps. The articles always say talk to your spouse. Yeah, right. Until you start screaming your lungs out for him to take the trash out then he might do it. i am so sick of him.

i have to corner him to even have sex once every other week maybe if i am lucky! I don't know what to do! the house is a mess. he never cleans up after himself. I have opened up another bank account on the side and have started saving money because i am going one more year. after one year I am gone!

I just typed "my husband always leaves me and the kids in the house and never takes us no where" and found this.

He never helps out in the house. If he is here he's always mad and when someone calls to go out he leaves very happy. I don't tell him anything anymore because i get mad to the point I cry and scream and nothing ever changes.

I am a stay home mom. I have no one to take care of my kids so i can't even look for a job so i guess i will have to wait three years until both of my boys go to school and find a job and get the H*** out of here!

I was so mad an hour ago! I came from work, and I found my husband lying down in bed and my son playing. The kitchen was completely dirty, there were toys and stuff all over, even food on the floor!

The first thing I did after he left, was research my husband doesn't do anything at home, and all these women complaining made me feel I'm not the only one.

But what am I going to do right now? I'm going to get a garbage bag and throw

whatever I don't use away. I'm going to leave two plates, two glasses, two bowls, two of everything! and all the things I don't need. are going in the trash. We live in NYC in a very small apartment and it is so stressful to get home and see crap all over! Stay strong, ladies! Thank you for the comments!

Well, after reading your complaints, i will stop complaining. mine isn't that bad after all.

I'm a stay at home mom to three kids, and my "work" day doesn't end. It's 24/7, there's always housework to be done, at least one kid wakes up during the night. My partner works a full time job and when he gets home he's exhausted. Fair enough.

But on weekends when he isn't at work he still does bugger all. He mows the lawns about once every three or so weeks, takes the rubbish out once a week (i.e. he pushes the bin to the curb, often forgets to empty the bin in the kitchen), helps with grocery shopping (I'd send him there on his own except that he can't be bothered getting his license and we need the car to fit all the shopping in). I have to continuously ask for help. every single day I sound like a broken record.

We were just having a conversation about this 10 minutes ago and I told him he should help more and because he's having three weeks off soon I expect him to help. His response? "Pfft"

He won't even read to the kids at night unless I nag him and even then it doesn't happen all the time. He might do things every now and then but it'll be just one thing and then he'll sit down for the rest of the day. If he sees things that need doing and hears the kids whinging and crying or whatever he still sits there. All he'll do is tell them to be quiet, he won't think to get off the couch and get his son a bottle or get off the couch and spend time with the kids so they aren't always whinging or whatever.

What gets me even more angry is that he sees me stressed and all that and heaps of housework that needs doing and he doesn't even offer to help.

As a stay at home mom, I make sure I do as much as I can while I'm home. I don't expect him to walk in the door and clean as soon as he gets home. All I ask for is for him to help me and think for himself. Help get the kids ready for bed, help me fold the clothes which I haven't gotten around to doing during the day because there's so many of them and to feed our son. And I want him to do this without me telling/asking him. He knows what time the kids go to bed so he should think 'hmm, it's 7 p.m. I will get the kids pyjamas and brush their teeth (or even bathe them)' especially when I am busy doing dishes or whatever.

On weekends I expect him to put some washing on, make the bed if he's the last one out of it, help with the kids, take them to the park, just to use his brain and do things that need doing.

The article is a complete joke. Yes he does work full time but being a stay at home mum I get exhausted too. I don't expect him to come home and start cleaning, I just want him to help me. I try and get as much as I can done in the day but there are things I sometimes can't do (or don't have time to do). It bothers me when I'll be running around cleaning all day, looking after kids, cooking, washing, taking the kids to the park and he won't even offer any help. To all the lazy men out there: Just because you have a full time job (if you do work) doesn't mean your wife has to do everything. Get off your backsides and help out!

Dump 'em ladies. you can do without. don't let them treat you like crap. at the end of the day it would be a lot easier and there would be less mess in the house.

i have been married for one year but have been with my partner for almost 11 years. My husband has always told me that the house work is a wife's, job as the man brings home the money even though i worked too. I currently finished work as i just recently gave birth to our third child. however before i left work i was working 5 days a week doing split shifts. i would get up at 6 a.m. and get the kids ready for school and tidy up before i left, drop the kids off at school, go to work, finish just in time to pick them up from school, come home, cook tea, leave for work again and by the time i got home from work it was after 11 p.m. i'd then clean the house, put the washing on and crawl into bed around 1 a.m. my only days off were mon and tues but on those days i never got to relax as i had to still take the kids to school, pay bills, buy food etc., but when i asked my husband to help around the house he would just say it that i was being a b**ch because of my hormones from being pregnant and that i shouldn't whinge so much as he gets up at 4 a.m. yeah but he finishes at 3, comes home, goes to the gym and then sits there playing the ps3. My mother always told me to never marry a man that lived at home with his mother be cause he'll always treat you like his mother and she was right.

I too have an unhelpful hubby. He was recently off work for three months and barely did a thing. there is lots of house fixing to do but he did nothing. he will barely take out the trash, occasionally do the dishes and mow the lawn periodically but no other yard work so our yard looks like a jungle. he is now working about 35 hours a week and has two days off in the week during which he seems to achieve very little. I work 40-plus hours and have a half day off on Friday and the weekend. I spend my "time off" (lol) doing cleaning, groceries, cooking (for the week), bills, fixing up the house, caring for 2 dogs and a parrot, my car and anything else that needs to be done. He spends lots of time on the computer on chat and gaming. we have had no sex in 6-plus months. I gave up trying to entice him as you can only take so much rejection. I feel like all I do is nag and moan at him. he has recently started going to a support group for the co-dependent and now will preach at every given moment but is still not efficient at helping around the house. everything he does I have to list, encourage, remind, nag and coerce him to do and then crap a rainbow if he does it. I am very tired. I want a life and a baby but I don't think I can handle life with this man anymore. there are many other men available out there and I am sure some are much more helpful. I do know a few men who are go getters instead of go get me's lol. what do you think? is it time for a change? I don't think I can fix this one.

I work 40-plus hrs per week. I have always worked since I was 12. God gave me this great job in which I have moved through the ranks to become a leader in our organization. I had to encourage my husband to look for a higher paying job after working minimum wage for many years. He started working at a mill in town. He works four days a week and is off three. He goes to work with much complaint. He never helps me around the house. Our house is falling in and he never lifts a hand. I asked for help because I am a sick person. He makes the kids help but he never helps. They all like to trash the house. He doesn't buy the groceries or pay any bills, but likes to work out at the gym. He is constantly buying crap and bringing it home for his collections. I am Ms. Thrifty buying all mine and the kids clothes at thrift stores and flea markets, but he has to have the best. He will pay $20-$30 for clothing that I would pay $2-$4 for. His closet is taking over. He has stuff in there from 20 years ago when we got married. I separated our banking about five years ago because checks were bouncing but I still continue to pay all the bills. He is still overdrafting. I don't know what to do. I'm at the point to where it sickens me to look at him. I stopped cleaning a few years ago because I thought that he would start helping out. He is oblivious to the clutter. He makes the kids clean but he never lifts a hand. He is off two days a week during the week, but he doesn't do anything. When I take time off he wants me to take it on his days off so he can play around. I hate to say it but I don't know how much more I can take. My body is starting to shut down. I had a problem with my vision and the doctors tell me that I might develop ms is the next five years. I know that this is brought on by my the stress of living with him. The real problem is that Im a born again Christian and I have made vows to this man. What can I do?

My husband does absolutely nothing. I wish I could give consequences like no sex but I'm young and need sex like every day so that’s not an option lol. I really just don’t know what to do. we’ve only been together for like six months and I'm already stressed out all day, and because I'm a stay at home mother I'm obviously expected to do everything, but my child is a very high demand little boy so I have no time to do anything. Err. I wish he just wasn’t so stubborn and would realize that I need help.

I have been only married for one year, but already I absolutely hate it. I feel like I am a maid and not a wife. My husband does not lift a finger in the house whatsoever. The dishes can be piled up sky high, he still would walk past it or would take paper plates, since they don't need cleaning. I am so sick and tired of it! He *quit* his job five months ago! And only does odd jobs here and there. We have a baby on the way and I have a son. I do everything, but I refuse to mow the yard. So that is all he does and he thinks it makes up for whatever else he doesn't do! When he doesn't work he just hangs out with his friends in his shop and plays drums or fiddles around with projects that don't ever get done. Everything he starts - he *never* finishes it. Our front and back porch are both not finished, the wood is just laying around now and wasting away. And who has to pay for everything? Me of course. Before we got married I paid off all of his bills (yeah I must be out of my mind), so he has no car payments, no cell phone bill, *nothing*. He is 23 I am 31. Now that I look at all this, age does matter. The age difference is too big, and I find myself acting more like his mom and getting upset and mad at him and that obviously is slowly killing the relationship we once had. I am really at my wits' end. And I don't know if I can put up with this much longer, especially when the baby is here. There will be even less time to get things done. Then again, I give everyone the benefit of a doubt. I don't want to end the marriage, just yet. Maybe he needs time to adjust? I mean he had absolutely no responsibilities until we got together, so I guess I will give it some more time, but it is hard as heck, that's for sure.

I know exactly what you all mean. I've been married to my husband for 15 years and have argued for 15 years about him helping out. I work full time and come home to have to clean and do everything. I do everything from the yardwork to house cleaning. He can't even take out the trash. I have to wash my car myself. All he does is work full-time and play xbox all day. He has it made. I'm fed up with him. I've told him how it makes me feel. I just feel so mad every time I think about it. I don't even want him to touch me anymore. I feel like he expects sex just like my wifely duties as cleaning and cooking but can't even lift a finger to help me with anything. What do I do? I love him but I just can't do this anymore.

This article is laughable at best. mine was working full time until the economy went bad and they cut his hours. he is now off every weekend and every third week he is off for the entire week. i work a full time job and because i must "earn my keep" (his exact words) since i make less money an hour than he does, i was required to do all the house cleaning as well. when he gets home from work, he plops down on the couch, turns the TV on and does not budge until it is bedtime. i had no problem with him sitting down for a little while after work, but the whole night when there is a bunch of other work that needs done? the thing that really peeved me about him though was the off week. he wakes up, plops himself down on the couch, turns on the TV and does not budge for anything other than to go to the bathroom or get a snack. this is until i started vacuuming the floor. one of two things would happen - he would either yell at me for interrupting his TV time or he would leave the house and go out for a ride on his motorcycle. if i was not done when he got back, he would go into the kitchen and prop himself up against the sink and stand there with his arms crossed. if i came into the room to change the trash bags he would just stand there like a statue and not even replace the bag to help just a little.

also, even though he made more than me i still had to buy all my own groceries and all the cleaning supplies for the house and whatever else was needed including the toilet paper and paper towels and other stuff that he used just as much as i did.

i had stopped cooking for him, washing his clothes, and even stopped having sex with him as well. i had asked him as well as argued with him about this till i was blue in the face and he *still* refused to help. this went on for four years until i got tired of being treated like an unpaid house servant that nobody cared about. i then ended up having an affair with a guy just because he made me feel like i mattered and that i was somebody.

my husband found out about the affair and kicked me out of the house and filed for divorce. to this day he calls me an ungrateful b**** who did not appreciate anything he ever did for me.

he actually had the nerve to try to get me to come back to him later because he said having to hire a housekeeper had cut too deeply into his fun money stash.

I work full time 4 days a week, my husband does not work long hours and often leaves after me and gets home before me, all he does is play on his computer war games. He looks after the kids when he knows I am not available to do it but don't I get to know about it! When he does do something, like put the dishwasher on (every 6 months), he expects praise, then moans because I never notice. Well he *never* seems to praise me for any house work I do and I do it all the time.

Then he suggests that I should work 5 days a week so we can have more money. Good, I can also cram all the house work in to 2 days instead of 3.

This made me laugh! What do you do when your husband sits around downstairs all day smoking and playing x-box while you do all the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, housework, child rearing and you work a full-time job! I mean he works too, but that is it. He figures that is good enough! What do you do then?

Consider the extra money he brings home? HA! My husband does work that can't happen when the weather is bad. All winter long I'm depressed and he has 2-3 days off a week *on top* of the weekends. Yet somehow he still thinks the dishes and laundry magically appear clean and tells me to "take a pill" when I get frustrated. Good luck ladies, you either have one that helps you or you don't.